#1
Fun With Despair
Back when I was a kid, I lived in the town of Okotoks, Alberta. Ignoring the stupid name, it wasn't too bad, I guess. It had a lot of great things to do, like uh... bowling? or maybe hanging out at Walmart like a total degenerate clown? I guess you could go to the movie theater and see one of a grand total of two (2) movies, both of them usually being at least a little bit shit.

Okay, maybe the town kind of sucked a bit, but I still have some vague fondness for the place, miserable as it could be, just because childhood, much like crystal meth, just keeps you coming back for more. For a couple years though, my parents lived across the road from a playground, and today, I'm here to return to my past, hopped up on painkillers fresh out of wisdom teeth surgery.

Let us begin.

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This here is the "scenic" playground in the community of Cimarron. Is it a hot spot for kids? Well, no, considering I was actually able to do this one in the daytime, but at least it's... kind of close to the Walmart?

Look, it's not very big, I know, but surely it has something to offer, right?

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As you approach the place, you'll notice this little birdhouse lookin' thing, which is actually a common feature in a lot of Alberta parks. Basically, the concept is that you can put your used books here and take a used book in return. Conceptually, it's great, but in practice, it tends to usually just end up as a dumping ground for the absolute dregs of literature.

Typically you'll find nothing but a bunch of those Harlequin romance novels, or some old ass Stephen King. You know, the classic playground fare. But only here in Alberta will you find books like this:

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I'm not gonna review this book, but needless to say, the music did not work and I was not able to sing along. I'd ask for my money back, but I didn't even leave a book in return, so I feel like I've already betrayed the rules of the universe here. Either way, clearly the owner of this book did not love Jesus very much in return. That's some sad shit right there, poor guy.

Actually it looks like it has a thrift store sticker on it, so Jesus is probably getting passed around like a back alley hooke- wait, wasn't this a playground review? Right.

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I probably don't have much to say about the swings here. They work alright, but the chain is a little bit too short, and that's not just a perspective thing. It's vaguely uncomfortable to swing on these because you don't really get much control. Having a chain that's too long is obviously bad too, but this one just ain't for me. It doesn't help that there's only one swing for people over the age of three years old, which makes this place pretty shit to visit with friends.

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Like taking a jackhammer to the balls. AVOID.

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This one is a bit better, but to sit in the sidecar you have to have hips so small they implode upon themselves and fatally wound you. You could probably claim that this is because it was built for kids, but I know my laws, and I'm pretty sure that here in Alberta you need to be 16 to drive a motorcycle, so I'm equally sure that this thing is built for grown men.

And 16 year olds I guess, if they don't count as grown men. Probably not. I'm not a biologist or anthropologist or whatever the fuck determines this. Ask Kyle, he probably knows.

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There's a bunch of different ways to get up onto this little structure here. Two of them are just the typical metal ladder things, albeit curved to a degree they it remind me of either a stegosaurus or the spinal curve of the average Dota player. There's also a sort of monkeybars-wall type deal, made of the same metal and curved in weird ways. It's mostly alright, and tall enough to provide entertainment to even a man of my stature.

However, the certified chad way up is definitely the climbing wall type thing with the yellow chain rope. It's a bit taller than it looks, so it provides some decent entertainment, and it's kind of fun to hang off on the chain.

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I'm no chad though, so instead I just took the stairs.

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In the middle of the place, there's a bridge that I figured would wobble or something but... it doesn't. God forbid you let a kid have fun in Okotoks. Why it's designed like this when it doesn't do anything, I have no idea, but I'm pretty disappointed in it, if we're being completely honest. Wobbly bridges were like, a thing that I thought was making a comeback this round, but as it turns out, the only thing making a comeback is my depression symptoms.

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Across the bridge though, you do have this little viewing platform that allows you to freely look down upon whatever fucking loser is using the swings with the immense disdain they deserve.

>2019

>being an unironic swingfag


lmaoing at your life, kid

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As per the usual, we also have the slide, and while it's slippery... enough, it's also like four feet tall so I have to wonder what kind of absolute turbo manlet this thing was built for. I wasn't aware that @Draku had commissioned a playground to be built to his physical specifications, but I guess you learn something new every day, huh?

Jokes aside, it does sort of suck. You kind of feel like you're going somewhere when you get on, but then you realize pretty quick that the only place you're headed is disappointment central. Come on, even kids like a big slide. Hell, kids ESPECIALLY like a big slide. Get this pussy shit outta here.

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In the distance, you have these quarantined trees, and I have to wonder why they're fenced off. The safe answer is probably safety or something, but none of the other trees are fenced off, so I like to imagine that this grove in particular has claimed the lives of many a child. A tragedy, really.

I also took a picture of the benches here but like... dude they're just park benches. I was gonna make a joke about them or something but painkillers make me sleepy and also so does sleep deprivation, so I think I'll just finish this off right now.

THE VERDICT: 4/10

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It's nothing special. This is one of those places that isn't really notably dangerous, or particularly awful, but just doesn't really have anything... fun about it? And yeah, yeah, before you give me shit for making a dumb joke about the chipmunk rider thing and not "properly analyzing it", let me tell you, even as a kid it hurt like a son of a bitch to ride. A lump of solid iron on a stiff spring, that thing. Genuinely miserable experience.

I think the one thing worse than a really dangerous park is honestly a forgettable one, and this one is definitely one of those. I've seen worse, but like, at least I remember worse. I can't give this one an especially bad rating because, well, it's functional, but it's not one that a kid would ever go out of his way to visit. It's a place for children too young to hang out at the Walmart to spend their time at, and honestly, I hung out at the Walmart anyway.
#2
Draku
I thought hiding it in Canada would conceal the truth.

Fuck you FWD your Danganronpa skills have undone me once again.
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#3
sealelement
Great fucking post I really enjoyed how you take testicle safety into account and also the Quarantined Trees. This was a wonderful look into fun with despairs secret origins
SEAL FOR ADMINERATOR
#4
Aidan
what the fuck why does that ladder contort itself at non-euclidean angles? was this park built by an Old One?
#5
Draku
(Sep 14, 2019 at 7:44 AM)Aidan Wrote: what the fuck why does that ladder contort itself at non-euclidean angles? was this park built by an Old One?
Well...
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