Before we begin today's adventure, we must first discuss something called micro-transactions. Micro-transactions are small purchases that are designed to fool you into losing track of how much you are spending. This tactic is often used in video games to get players to spend large amounts without realizing it because they think $1 here and there is not much.

I do occasionally visit the local Taco Bell here in Hell, but I just get mundane items. In order to avoid fumbling around like a buffoon in the drive-through as I figured out my order, I decided to try out their online ordering system. You can customize items and that's probably a better way to handle things instead of trying explain to the cashier over their 1960s speaker that you do not want mayonnaise on your goddamn burger. They have a lot of items that are only a dollar or so. It worked out pretty well except for the fact that I had to enter my full name and credit card information. Now they finally have that shit on record. I liked to keep anonymous. Not everyone is a fan.

Anyways, now we'll hop right into the review of the 3000+ Calories worth of Taco Bell I acquired today. There is a lot to get through.

Collection


Nacho Fries BellGrande

Sorry, we need to take one more detour before we get into the review. I would like to talk about the blurb on Taco Bell's website about the above fries.

Who comes up with this stuff anyway?

It turns out some “genius”, back in the kitchen does. Recently, they got the bright idea to take Nacho Fries—which are crisped to perfection and dusted with bold Mexican seasonings—and load them up with a hearty portion of seasoned beef, diced tomatoes, reduced-fat sour cream and that warm and magical nacho cheese sauce. They’re called, appropriately, Nacho Fries BellGrande.

Not to get off track, but it is said, by some, that the best ideas come by way of some kind of need. Let’s take the elevator, for instance. No doubt someone, tired of hiking up and down a ton of stairs every day, at some point saw the need and asked…“How can I get up (or down) in a better way?” Then...BAM! The elevator was invented. Ok, maybe it wasn’t quite like that, but you have to admit it was a great, and elevating, idea. Much like the Nacho Fries BellGrande..

Even Taco Bell can't bring themselves to seriously call this mess genius. And then what the hell even is the second paragraph? That isn't related to anything!

Back to the review. I grabbed a fork and dug in. The fries themselves have a very slight spice to them, so they're a bit more interesting than standard french fries. That however, does not mean they are better, especially because they are ice cold. The cheese sauce over the top is gross as expected and the tomato chunks don't seem to do anything but maybe fool you into thinking that adding a fruit to this dish will make it healthier. I believe the beef to be the same as what they put in their tacos normally, but it looks less red. Perhaps there is extra sauce they mix into the taco version. I made it halfway through this dish before I made the decision to stop. Starting with potatoes probably wasn't the best idea given the mass of food still before me.

Also I said I didn't want sour cream on this but they put it there anyways. I was wrong to trust that their online ordering system would make anything clearer.

2/5
A pretentious take on classic executed in the laziest way.

Bacon Club Chalupa

Next up, the Bacon Club Chalupa. This was one of the items that was actually requested. Here is a look at what it looks like inside. This item is a twist on the classic bacon club sandwich, but in the form of a chalupa. That much should have been obvious. Typically you make a bacon club using turkey but Taco Bell doesn't have turkey so they just used some chicken they had lying around. And... I don't really have much more to say about this one, other than the flatbread shell was kind of greasy. This one was actually enjoyable.

4/5
A copy of a great classic will be great even with its flaws.

Crunchy Taco

This is just their classic, Crunchy Taco that everyone who has been to Taco Bell has eaten before. I don't know why I ordered this one. The five minute drive home from Taco Bell was too much for it to survive though, the grease from the beef has seeped into the shell and ruined it. If you are going to ever eat one of these make sure you do it as soon as possible as they have an expiration date of about 120 seconds.

2/5
It's just a taco.

Loaded Nacho Taco

What a mess. This item was assembled without any sort of care at all. Now, this one is a bit strange. Basically they take a normal taco then they dump their shitty cheese sauce from up above on the fries in and add these red corn strips. I guess that's supposed to make it be like you're eating both a taco and nachos at the same time somehow? Their website claims that the crunchiness of the "nachos" adds to the experience. You will find no such crunchiness here though, the grease from the meat and the cheese sauce turn the chips soggy on contact. I don't know if the red color of the chips is supposed to indicate spice or just be aesthetic. The chips themselves are totally bland.

1/5
The added ingredients here only add disappointment.

Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco

This one is just another crunchy taco but the shell is coated with Dorito dust. It comes with extra packaging so you can eat it without getting the red shit all over your hands. I tore that packaging apart because as a devil, my hands are already red and I wanted to get a better look. Unfortunately not even the Dorito dust cannot save the shell from disintegrating on contact with the greasy meat.

2/5
The novelty this might have once had is gone. It's just a taco.

Quesarito

The Quesarito. Don't just roll up to your local Taco Bell expecting to get one of these babies. They're an online exclusive... for some reason. Anyways this item is basically a burrito rolled up inside a quesadilla, at least that's what it is supposed to be. It's by far the heaviest item out of everything I ordered today. I didn't take another picture but the bottom side was burnt and it took a few bites before I made it to the meat, rice, and cheese. I think there was some sort of hot sauce in there too. There was a bit of heat but not that much. I was able to make it halfway through this one before the density of it forced me to stop. Or maybe it was because I ended up with another coughing fit. I swear I never had to deal with this crap before this week.

2/5
It's a burrito but more shit.

Nacho Fries

We're back at the Nacho Fries again. This version is supposed to come with a cup of cheese sauce for dipping, but they forgot to include it. What the fuck Taco Bell? I ordered online so it was harder for you to mess this up!

-/5
Unable to score.

???

I don't know what this one is, I didn't order it. At first glance it appears to just be a soft shell taco. The grease from the meat has destroyed the packaging it came in. I took a look inside...

Huh, I guess that's where the cheese sauce that was supposed to come with my Nacho Fries went? Only Taco Bell could mistakenly give you an entirely new item with the sauce that was supposed to be with a different item. Sasuga as they say in Japan.

-/5
I hate to waste food, but I didn't sign up for this one.

Cinnamon Twists

Finally, we're at the last item for today. I don't usually order stuff like this but it was a dollar. They don't really taste like anything other than cinnamon sugar. There is nothing to them either, it's like eating cinnamon flavored air. Had I been in a different mood I probably would have dismissed these as a scam but after gorging myself for 45min with meat paste and plastic cheese the light treat was a welcome escape. Perhaps this product was designed by the real genius of the kitchen, unlike those loaded fries.

3/5
There isn't much to them, but that's what I needed in the moment.


God I have to shit...

I genuinely thought you were calling it "Nacho Fries BellGrande" as some sort of elaborate joke. What the fuck. Why would you name anything like that, let alone fucking food
It all looks disgusting too. God Taco Bell sucks

fuck taco bell

i feel like half of taco bell's menu items are just "cram as much shit into a loosely tortilla shaped thing" as much as possible. i was shocked to see that the club chalupa ended up being one of the more food-like items.

why would you even do french fries with nacho shit on them? i've tried that one before and the fries were all really undercooked, too, which meant they couldn't even hold the weight of the topping when picked up and ended up just being a soggy mess.

oh yeah and i liked how they still fucked up your order even when you did the online ordering. thanks t-bell. love that quality control.

please do NOT buy 3,000 calories at the next restaurant. also, i would like to add pepcid, a tall glass of water, and a brisk evening walk to each of the remaining fast food orders. please stay healthy, satan. when i said i wanted you to die, it was by exposure to individual terrible food items, not by overloading on them.

i cant believe people eat this

I seriously hope you're not eating ALL of them fully (sans the ones you said you aren't eating)