[video=]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMmmf84RbIw[/video]
There's a war going on in your mind!
Alex Jones here live! Now I'm sure you're wondering, "Alex, how are you so intelligent and talented all of the time?" Well it's easy, I've got true american blood running through me, and I'm a powerful man. I like to EAT! I like to FIGHT! I like to FUCK! and I'm comin.
Where to start though, this night was a very strange and mysterious night indeed.
Well i started my American night like this. I got up and took my daily vitamins. BRAIN FORCE PLUS! For keeping my superior mind in shape, puzzles and silly tricks are for babies so I use AMERICAN PILLS. Now mentally fueled I burst out of my trailer with a clear goal in mind. INFO WARS. I don't know which of you are communists, terrorists, or even worse, democrats, so it's my CIVIC DUTY as an AMERICAN CITIZEN to enlighten EVERYONE with my show. ALEX JONES IS COMIN!
I head to the tool shed first, with a hunch going on in my MASSIVE BRAIN. Seriously, It's so massive thanks to AMERICAN SELF EDUCATION. Ah-ha, just as I suspected. This fertilizer... Yes, I have to make a segment on this before anyone here falls victim to this. But there's something else more pressing. My VAST INTELLECT told me that someone here is a DEMOCRAT. AND IM NOT GONNA LET THAT FLY. I idle by the statue for a while until I spy them with my EAGLE EYES.
They're disguised as some swedish flop but they can't hide from justice. I chase him down and ask him some questions, just to confirm my suspicions.
"Are you a TRUE American?"
"Nein, I am Svedish Youtuber."
"..."
I DONT KNOW WHERE SVEDISH IS BUT THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMEWHERE TOO CLOSE TO COMMUNISM. With a mighty roar I leap at him! Grabbing his frail commie arm in my MASCULINE AMERIMAN HANDS I give a POWERFUL twist and...
IT snaps just like the concept of communism, pitiful and broken. The poor fool screams in terror as he tries to flee, but his SIMPLE BRAIN cannot handle the panic and stress, so he just goes crazy. The commotion attracts the attentions of Smasher who definitely gives me a look of approval and not a look of disgust that a WEAKLING would feel. I'm keeping America free the RIGHT way. Dante hears this and volunteers to help me on info wars. Perfect, I can show my prowess of analysis by looking at this man. We head to the horror set now that I have nothing else to wait for.
I find the Cameraman in there and I offer him a job which he gladly accepts. (Good thing too, I was ready to go BALLISTIC). We set up and some people walk by. There was also some grey blood sucker trying to eat trip... Well Grey is a neutral color so I withheld any anger or accusations and they chose to leave with a little persuasion. We take some time to set the stage in the horror set and get started.
I start with the first segment, the least important of them all. ARE YOUR FLOWERS GAY? “Well, they are if you're using fertilizer and pampering your damn flowers like a communist. Real American flowers can survive on any soil AND become the strongest doing it. Why I grew up in a backwater town and I'm the strongest person I know!" It has FLUORIDE in it, a very well known GAY chemical.
Trip is doing a great job recording so I keep going on about gay flowers and proper soil. Like AMERICAN SOIL. I grew up on American soil and just look at the magnificent masterpiece I am! You just have to watch out for those dirty Democrats like Obama, that sleezy cheat. Trying to improve education and medicare. WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO FOCUS ON THE IMPORTANT FACTS DEMOBABY! LIKE GUNS. I've got a few ideas to share so I move fluidly into my next segment, "How to tell if someone is American from their blood."
Dante gets on the desk and lets out some blood for me to analyze. Just as I'm about to give my expert conclusions, a transition happens.
During this transition, Beauragard and Bubys go upstairs.
As I'm about to get into the MEAT of this new section, some random citizen approaches me and ATTEMPTS to hurt me by kicking me in the nuts.
Boy do I gotta tell you, trying to kick me, ALEX JONES, in the nuts? I'm a strong American, I've got American blood going through my veins. I've got an iron will and Steel balls. You couldn't harm me with a damn panther tank or whatever those commies call them. I'm a man of ACTION with a body like TEMPERED STEEL. I pop a squat, not in the slav way though, in the "I'm about to take a dump on this man's life way." I spring up and
YOU MADE A BIG MISTAKE! I tear of my shirt as a show of power and immediately pounce the creaming COWARD. I've got about 200 POUNDS of protein coursing through me and I know just how to let it out, through AMERICAN METRICS SYSTEMS! As I'm about to show this fool what's for, they use their own tears and panic sweat to slip free and escape. I consider to chase, but I have more important things to do than to chase pathetic cowards of the state.
AND DON'T COME BACK
A Bear comes down stairs and looks at me. Bears are on the California flag or something like that, so I let his displeased look slide. He's probably upset that I let the fucker go. Respectable opinion. Anything else and you'd be wrong.
As I put my shirt back on Smasher comes back upstairs and goes into Hair and MAkeup I presume, because I can here some ROUGH AND HARD SEX noises up there. MY TESTOSTERONE begs me to join them, but ALEX JONES does not succumb to his chemical urges. I finish listing off my manly physique, enlarged cranium, and expert detective skills when Dante has to leave RIGHT AS HIS SEGMENT COMES UP. So instead I see a rather gay (the other gay) looking fellow come down in what appears to be some sort of drag racing outfit. He looks rather manly so I accept him as a substitute for my next segment conclusion on "Identifying Communists."
This man is wearing red. A commie color. I point this out to the simple minded commie when he tries to tell me that he is also wearing blue, which is an American color with red. My brain pops and fizzes at this IDIOTIC statement. THERE'S NO WHITE! RED AND BLUE ISNT AMERICA WITHOUT WHITE. ITS JUST THE COLORS OF THE RUSSIAN FLAG, BUT WITH BLUE.
I unload all of my American weaponry of smart, tactical, and persuasive conversation skills on this man as bubsy enters make up while dressed rather gayly (yes that kind) where he comes back and steals my cameraman. This triggers something in my absolute UNIT of a brain and I realize. This man said his name is Falcon. But the American bird is an eagle. A falcon is just a rip off. A rip off of an American? HE'S AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT! I unload this new revelation on him and jump this man to send him back to where he belongs, OUTSIDE OF AMERICA.
I throw off the powerlimiter that is my shirt and get down to the NITTY GRITTY AMERICAN STYLE. (No guns edition) By the time I've convinced this illegal to rethink their life I'm literally steaming and there's smoke all around me as I vent my RAW POWER. They see the errors of their way and bless me for my MAGNIFICENT DEDUCTION. I let them get up so they can LEAVE. And in their place, Dante comes back.
While we clean up after the show, a witch gives me an invitation and an American Employee heads to the roof. Time for my after the show drink. I pass by some movie posters, one looking like shit. It had some stupid looking cat, and even stupider crow, some woman punching the crow, and a frog that looked like he was jesus' pet or something. Sounds like something out of an insane man's mind alright.
At the bar, Beauregard is relaxing with some drink so Dante and I join them.
Trip joins shortly after, clearly bothered by something. Fortunately I have the perfect solution, ALCOHOL! We all share some drinks and regal my greatness. Our not so friend Beau passes out. That's what you get Frenchi, try drinking stronger stuff. The records room is strangely scratched, but still locked tight. There was a woodcutters axe embedded in it, but whoever used it was too weak to do any damage. That door must be sealed with ALEX TAPE. It's like Flex Tape but for AMERICANS.
I've done enough FREEDOM ACTIONS tonight, so I leave through the piss smelling executive building to my trailer. Trip stayed behind to enjoy his drink so I made my way back alone.