i should probably play a bullet hell game on one of these so here’s LASERREIMU


it stars this blue haired chick who loves popsicles i guess.
is that pocky from pocky and rocky? maybe reimu is japanese for rocky. in that guess i guess pocky would translate to laser


title screen is looking good. they have that retro 8bit aesthetic that i’m always down with.
i also respect them for having a 1 minute tutorial. any longer than a minute and i usually just start hopping around like an asshole trying to find the real video game.

i still ignored the tutorial but i’m glad they offered a condensed version.


so you get two weapon types, type a and type b. type b gives you a blue dress, which is way cuter than the red dress so i went with that. sorry pocky your fashion sense is off


and we’re in. they weren’t kidding about the lasers, those are definitely some lasers right there.
you’ll see i got a cheevo for switching weapons. you get them for doing fucking everything in this game, including dying. i got like ten on my first try of the game.


type b has three weapons. the laser shit from before, these yu-gi-oh cards, and a half and half mode.
you can actually aim the yu-gi-oh cards at 45 degree angles which is pretty cool. i used that to snipe a bunch of these fairy godmothers.


the other button is for LASER and holy fucking shit that’s a good LASER. it’s big as hell and it destroys shots. when you destroy stuff with the LASER a multiplier appears to give you more points for a little bit. pretty cool, i always like getting points.


halfway through the first level this dick shows up. i didn’t notice it during gameplay but she actually codec calls you on the bottom right of the screen. that message says “Jamashinai deyou,” which means “I’m going to beat the shit out of you and steal your wallet to buy crack.”

Laser is having none of that shit tho so we fight. rumia only sticks around for like ten seconds before fucking off. i’m okay with that because her bow is making our bow look way less cool. it’s not fashionable if everyone is doing it


aaaaand the level continues. this part is kinda silly. there’s just a million of these green chicks flying directly into your lasers from all angles. i think the green ones give you more LASER power so this is a good point to refill. this event, known as the mass loli suicides, would live on in infamy for generations to come.


eventually rumia comes back and this time she brought her whole squad. the blue fairy from pinocchio spawns in a bunch during this fight while rumia flies around shitting out the typical firework display vomit you’d expect. tbh i don’t remember pocky and rocky being thing crazy on snes but i guess times change.


this attack is fucking wack. every other bullet moves in a different direction, so the rings will close in on each other and expand as they move towards you. i almost died here but it turns out if you LASER right as you get hit the game lets you save yourself with the invincibility frames. pretty dope idea. i also got an achievement for it.

anyway i couldn’t beat her so i went to check out the one minute tutorial for some hot gaming tips and tricks. i figured that with a little practice i could transcend being a casual scrub and become kirito from sword art online, beating everyone at all video games no problem while scoring tons of hot chicks. basically, i’m hoping to end up in that exact situation except for the creeper little sister. that part is pretty fucked up.


unfortunately the tutorial is in fucking japanese so i didn’t learn shit.

i took a screenshot of this helpful section where they teach you how to die. wow, thanks, i’ll have to remember that one for later DAD


armed with ancient knowledge, i went back in and managed to find a secret dango in the level. if you want the secret dango in LASERREIMU just go right there and you’ll have it. got another achievement for grabbing it.


anyways i did way better that time and managed to make it to stage 2, the ice level. those white things that look kinda like the sun, only the exact opposite, are enemies. idk what their deal is.


a bit into the stage you start seeing icicles drop, presumably thrown by an uncaring creator deity. the icicles also shoot at you so that’s pretty fucked up.


at around this point i thought to myself i could probably hold down the LASER button for more lasering, so i tried it on these icicles and the game freaked the fuck out. my score went up faster than @"zelma"’s dick during a final fantasy 13 hentai and all these multiplier icons shat out everywhere. i also got two achievements for it: one for getting a x64 multiplier and one for getting 10 million points.


here’s the miniboss of this stage, the DAIYOUSEI or HUGE BITCH. it’s another one of the all girls elementary school drop outs we’ve been killing the whole game, but this one is pissed off. she can actually leave if you take too long to murder her. i think there was a scheduling conflict involving this sick laser battle and a dentist appointment.

one cool thing is that the game gives you extends, or extra lives, when you score really well. here i got an extend for getting 20 million points. you might notice that i actually have 28 million points in this screenshot. when you LASER the HUGE BITCH you get like a million points per second and i don’t really know why. it ended up working well for me tho.


oh i also like this enemy, the chick in the purple fullmetal alchemist circle. she has this attack where she fires bullets in a wide shot, so you can be super risky and fly between the shots to get more hits on her. fun stuff.


i made it to this part with icicles. the outer ring spins counter clockwise and shoots lasers, while the inner ring spins clockwise and shoots bullets.

the text at the top right pretty much sums it up. holy shit what a great achievement. thanks programmers


i give this game four 100% OJ characters out of five.

achievementreimu

sort of funny to see a touhou fangame wind up being an actual bullet hell title itself though