Honestly, this is a story where I could write a couple paragraphs on the title of this Touhou ship fic alone, but that would be a disservice to the author who obviously wrote this with his blood, sweat, and 2 gallons of Mountain Dew provided by his mother. This could very well be so stupefying, everything I review after this couldn’t live up to the hype, but…..nah, I couldn’t resist tackling this first. Just as a warning, this particular piece is filled to the brim with sexual content, so only go into this if you’re not faint of heart.
We start off with Sanae, a green-haired shrine maiden who worships goddesses Kanako and Suwako, sitting on the steps of the shrine she works for, being nostalgic. Nostalgic for what, you may ask? Well…
Yes, it’s that kind of fic. Kanako comes flying to the steps, “massive tits bouncing with purpose”, to give the green-haired shrine maiden a special mission: time-traveling to 1904 Germany before he becomes the megalomaniac we all know today. Not even blinking an eye, Sanae happily accepts Never mind that the antics of Nazi Germany most likely had no impact on the very isolated region of Gensokyo which Sanae resides in, but I guess Kanako just wants the toothbrush mustache to be in style again. As Sanae leaves, Kanako laments: "Why did she have to grow up? That ass is just too big."
![[Image: 32b.png]](https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/861/687/32b.png)
I’m not saying this story hasn’t been a few fries short of a full Happy Meal from the start, but this point is where things start to become….strange. Midflight, the sexually-starved shrine “maiden” has realized too little, too late that she forgot her tampons (?!). She just now notices this because, just like a crop duster spraying pesticides over a field, she’s been spraying period blood over all of Gensokyo, and even licks her lips at the thought of it hitting the villagers below. Truly the hero Germany doesn’t need. After taking a shroom break and hearing dollmaker Alice moaning the name of the life-sized doll of a maid named Sakuya she’s porking (this isn’t the most bizarre moment in the fic, I swear), Sanae realizes she needs the help of the latter if she wants to go back a century.
However, when she arrives at the Scarlet Devil Mansion, she sees that Sakuya might be a bit too tied up to help her….literally. The maid accidentally tripped on a rope trap set by the local fairies, and she’s been trying to cut her way out of it with her kni-oh who am I kidding, might as well give the real reason, even if it’s significantly more degrading. Actually, she’s entirely naked and being held on a leash by her vampire master, Remilia Scarlet. None of her signature time-stopping here, folks. Cutting to the chase, Sanae asks if Sakuya could do a favor for her, but Remilia says that if she stays for breakfast, she’ll have her servant do anything she wants. If you already know inviting a vampire into your home is a terrible idea, you must be thinking nothing good can happen if it’s the other way around, and….you’re not wrong. Remilia commands the poor maid to fetch them some tea. Although “fetch” might be a poor choice of words, seeing as Sakuya crawls on all fours to get it and and carries the tea platter between her teeth. Remilia commands her to [REDACTED] over the tea, and she immediately slurps it all up. As for what Sanae did exactly, well, Remilia’s a vampire. Do the math. The stupidest part about this is that Sanae was taken aback by the fetishistic behavior on display. After what she did to the villagers, why does she suddenly have a conscience?
Anyway, a content Remilia asks Sakuya to do the wibbly wobbly timey wimey effect on Sanae, and she finds herself in 1904 Gensokyo….which, considering half of the denizens are immortal, is literally the same. Why does Kanako want Hitler dead, again? In any case, because there’s a barrier that prevents the horny psychopaths of Gensokyo from escaping to the outside world, Sanae sets off to the Hakurei Shrine so she can have it opened. Instead of finding her friend Reimu, she meets an older shrine maiden she describes as...”a MILF”. Sanae really does have no limits, doesn’t she? During a paragraph that uses disturbing detail in pointing out her assets, she opens a tear in the border with no difficulty on Sanae’s part, and the plague that is Sanae is now unleashed on the rest of the world.
Many humans that witness Sanae flying in the sky herald it as a sign of the end times, and in a way, they’re right. This paragraph also contains what’s possibly my favorite sentence in the whole fic, but for all the wrong reasons:
Is it possible to die from shaking your head too many times? Anyway, after somehow identifying Hitler’s house among the millions she passed on her 13-hour journey, she promptly passes out on his backyard.
Here we go.
The 15-year old future Fuhrer was contemplating playing possum as a sign of protest against his father sending him to a technical school instead of his art school (even though his father has been dead for a year at this point, so there was nothing stopping him from achieving his dream really), when he walks into his backyard:
Indeed, the Great Female Shortage of the early 20th century was hitting everyone hard. With Sanae’s green hair and bizarre clothes, Hitler assumes that she’s a goddess, and right away he makes it his duty to take care of her. He picks her up and places her in her house, and despite her smell putting a skunk’s to shame, Hitler doesn’t seem to mind, as he presses his nose against her and takes a great sniff, saying “So delicious…” What the fuck.
She finally comes to, and after seeing whose arms she was in, she freaks out and starts to run away. Yes, to the misfortune of us, she’s forgotten her mission. Hitler shouts after her “Don’t go, my goddess!” and Sanae manages to respond in fluent German. How does a native Japanese understand German this well, you wonder?
Somehow, Evangelion makes a hundred times more sense than this fic. Sanae, happy that someone finally treats her like a goddess instead of a lowly shrine maiden, rips her clothes off and declares Hitler to be her new disciple, grinding herself on his “rock-hard paintbrush”. She strips Hitler of his clothes, where we learn that painting landscapes makes you fucking ripped apparently (perhaps Bob Ross wouldn’t be so out-of-place in DBZ). They start to do the deed, and it starts off like your standard, run-of-the-mill fanfic sex scene. That is, until they cause disasters so catastrophic, even Roland Emmerich would shed a tear. The Fuhrer and the Fetishist’s moans and screams are heard across the entire continent, causing city-shattering earthquakes, and Sanae’s smell is so putrefying that anyone in a 1000-mile radius is knocked out. This pleasant little knocking lasts for an entire week, until they end up in a reservoir of bodily fluids after finishing every five minutes. Reproductive system boundaries be damned…? Whatever, I’m just burnt out at this point. Not having enough, Sanae abuses the power of the gods to make Hitler divine, and by that I mean he grows a giant beard and his wang becomes a “fire hydrant”. I realize that this was used for euphemism purposes, but just to embrace the batshit insaneness of this story, I’m going to ignore that.
Turns out the Evangelion reference was prophetic, as the couple’s fuckparty (which is now two weeks strong) inexplicably causes the rest of the world to break out in a ecstatic, Third Impact-like orgy. Even Kanako and Suwako aren’t immune to this, because when they realized they should stop the entire population from dying of exhaustion, the goddesses end up 69ing each other. They finally convince each other to fly to Germany to stop the madness, but it takes them a month due to them, like the “dutiful” protectors of Earth they are, they involve themselves in every orgy they pass. At that point, half of humanity has died, but to say the least, this doesn’t stop some of them from having fun. When Suwako and Kanako finally arrive, they Attempt to convince Sanae and Hitler that what they’re doing is a sin, but the protests cease when they immediate see Hitler’s shiny red fire hydrant. And, to cap this monstrosity: “They fucked and fucked, and the world burned.” At least I won’t have to witness any more of this, anyway.
So that was a….way to start off this Garrison. Really, I would be more shocked at this dumpster fire of a story and its contents, but after reading the likes of “Dipper Goes to Taco Bell”, I’m just dead inside more than anything else. No description of this plot could do it justice, so if you’re feeling particularly dangerous, read this experience for yourself: https://pastebin.com/67AppBxs
For my sake and yours too, I hope the rest of the fics are less taxing than this. And once again, thank you, Black. You just guaranteed yourself a Night 1 death for every future KG, ya prick.
We start off with Sanae, a green-haired shrine maiden who worships goddesses Kanako and Suwako, sitting on the steps of the shrine she works for, being nostalgic. Nostalgic for what, you may ask? Well…
Quote:“She missed dreadfully all threesomes she used to have with Kanako and Suwako, but since she had grown breasts and pubic hair they didn't seem interested anymore."
Yes, it’s that kind of fic. Kanako comes flying to the steps, “massive tits bouncing with purpose”, to give the green-haired shrine maiden a special mission: time-traveling to 1904 Germany before he becomes the megalomaniac we all know today. Not even blinking an eye, Sanae happily accepts Never mind that the antics of Nazi Germany most likely had no impact on the very isolated region of Gensokyo which Sanae resides in, but I guess Kanako just wants the toothbrush mustache to be in style again. As Sanae leaves, Kanako laments: "Why did she have to grow up? That ass is just too big."
I’m not saying this story hasn’t been a few fries short of a full Happy Meal from the start, but this point is where things start to become….strange. Midflight, the sexually-starved shrine “maiden” has realized too little, too late that she forgot her tampons (?!). She just now notices this because, just like a crop duster spraying pesticides over a field, she’s been spraying period blood over all of Gensokyo, and even licks her lips at the thought of it hitting the villagers below. Truly the hero Germany doesn’t need. After taking a shroom break and hearing dollmaker Alice moaning the name of the life-sized doll of a maid named Sakuya she’s porking (this isn’t the most bizarre moment in the fic, I swear), Sanae realizes she needs the help of the latter if she wants to go back a century.
However, when she arrives at the Scarlet Devil Mansion, she sees that Sakuya might be a bit too tied up to help her….literally. The maid accidentally tripped on a rope trap set by the local fairies, and she’s been trying to cut her way out of it with her kni-oh who am I kidding, might as well give the real reason, even if it’s significantly more degrading. Actually, she’s entirely naked and being held on a leash by her vampire master, Remilia Scarlet. None of her signature time-stopping here, folks. Cutting to the chase, Sanae asks if Sakuya could do a favor for her, but Remilia says that if she stays for breakfast, she’ll have her servant do anything she wants. If you already know inviting a vampire into your home is a terrible idea, you must be thinking nothing good can happen if it’s the other way around, and….you’re not wrong. Remilia commands the poor maid to fetch them some tea. Although “fetch” might be a poor choice of words, seeing as Sakuya crawls on all fours to get it and and carries the tea platter between her teeth. Remilia commands her to [REDACTED] over the tea, and she immediately slurps it all up. As for what Sanae did exactly, well, Remilia’s a vampire. Do the math. The stupidest part about this is that Sanae was taken aback by the fetishistic behavior on display. After what she did to the villagers, why does she suddenly have a conscience?
Anyway, a content Remilia asks Sakuya to do the wibbly wobbly timey wimey effect on Sanae, and she finds herself in 1904 Gensokyo….which, considering half of the denizens are immortal, is literally the same. Why does Kanako want Hitler dead, again? In any case, because there’s a barrier that prevents the horny psychopaths of Gensokyo from escaping to the outside world, Sanae sets off to the Hakurei Shrine so she can have it opened. Instead of finding her friend Reimu, she meets an older shrine maiden she describes as...”a MILF”. Sanae really does have no limits, doesn’t she? During a paragraph that uses disturbing detail in pointing out her assets, she opens a tear in the border with no difficulty on Sanae’s part, and the plague that is Sanae is now unleashed on the rest of the world.
Many humans that witness Sanae flying in the sky herald it as a sign of the end times, and in a way, they’re right. This paragraph also contains what’s possibly my favorite sentence in the whole fic, but for all the wrong reasons:
Quote:“Only one of the doomsayers were perceptive enough to connect the rain of blood with the virtuous girl in the sky; he went on to write a book that was banned in 45 countries describing how the Book of Revelations was just a manifestation of John's repressed fear of his sister's vagina. The book would have won a Nobel Prize, if it hadn't simultaneously offended and aroused all of the judges.”
Is it possible to die from shaking your head too many times? Anyway, after somehow identifying Hitler’s house among the millions she passed on her 13-hour journey, she promptly passes out on his backyard.
Here we go.
The 15-year old future Fuhrer was contemplating playing possum as a sign of protest against his father sending him to a technical school instead of his art school (even though his father has been dead for a year at this point, so there was nothing stopping him from achieving his dream really), when he walks into his backyard:
Quote:“Before his eyes, however, had appeared an incredible sight: a girl!”
Indeed, the Great Female Shortage of the early 20th century was hitting everyone hard. With Sanae’s green hair and bizarre clothes, Hitler assumes that she’s a goddess, and right away he makes it his duty to take care of her. He picks her up and places her in her house, and despite her smell putting a skunk’s to shame, Hitler doesn’t seem to mind, as he presses his nose against her and takes a great sniff, saying “So delicious…” What the fuck.
She finally comes to, and after seeing whose arms she was in, she freaks out and starts to run away. Yes, to the misfortune of us, she’s forgotten her mission. Hitler shouts after her “Don’t go, my goddess!” and Sanae manages to respond in fluent German. How does a native Japanese understand German this well, you wonder?
Quote:“As a child, Sanae had idolized Asuka Langley Souryu from Neon Genesis Evangelion, and had learned German to better emulate her. Sanae even insulted a local boy, then pretended to be
comatose while he masturbated over her.”
Somehow, Evangelion makes a hundred times more sense than this fic. Sanae, happy that someone finally treats her like a goddess instead of a lowly shrine maiden, rips her clothes off and declares Hitler to be her new disciple, grinding herself on his “rock-hard paintbrush”. She strips Hitler of his clothes, where we learn that painting landscapes makes you fucking ripped apparently (perhaps Bob Ross wouldn’t be so out-of-place in DBZ). They start to do the deed, and it starts off like your standard, run-of-the-mill fanfic sex scene. That is, until they cause disasters so catastrophic, even Roland Emmerich would shed a tear. The Fuhrer and the Fetishist’s moans and screams are heard across the entire continent, causing city-shattering earthquakes, and Sanae’s smell is so putrefying that anyone in a 1000-mile radius is knocked out. This pleasant little knocking lasts for an entire week, until they end up in a reservoir of bodily fluids after finishing every five minutes. Reproductive system boundaries be damned…? Whatever, I’m just burnt out at this point. Not having enough, Sanae abuses the power of the gods to make Hitler divine, and by that I mean he grows a giant beard and his wang becomes a “fire hydrant”. I realize that this was used for euphemism purposes, but just to embrace the batshit insaneness of this story, I’m going to ignore that.
Turns out the Evangelion reference was prophetic, as the couple’s fuckparty (which is now two weeks strong) inexplicably causes the rest of the world to break out in a ecstatic, Third Impact-like orgy. Even Kanako and Suwako aren’t immune to this, because when they realized they should stop the entire population from dying of exhaustion, the goddesses end up 69ing each other. They finally convince each other to fly to Germany to stop the madness, but it takes them a month due to them, like the “dutiful” protectors of Earth they are, they involve themselves in every orgy they pass. At that point, half of humanity has died, but to say the least, this doesn’t stop some of them from having fun. When Suwako and Kanako finally arrive, they Attempt to convince Sanae and Hitler that what they’re doing is a sin, but the protests cease when they immediate see Hitler’s shiny red fire hydrant. And, to cap this monstrosity: “They fucked and fucked, and the world burned.” At least I won’t have to witness any more of this, anyway.
So that was a….way to start off this Garrison. Really, I would be more shocked at this dumpster fire of a story and its contents, but after reading the likes of “Dipper Goes to Taco Bell”, I’m just dead inside more than anything else. No description of this plot could do it justice, so if you’re feeling particularly dangerous, read this experience for yourself: https://pastebin.com/67AppBxs
For my sake and yours too, I hope the rest of the fics are less taxing than this. And once again, thank you, Black. You just guaranteed yourself a Night 1 death for every future KG, ya prick.
![[Image: z839mDR.png]](https://i.imgur.com/z839mDR.png)