Yahoo Hospital happens to have a ward where they stick patients long term that have strange diseases and conditions. They have reached the point where they're completely out of room, so the shipment of patients we got today are ones that would have gone there. Now, Minus World Hospital doesn't actually have one of these wards and we can't afford to let any of the beds be occupied long term. I need you guys to instead solve the problems these patients have so we can discharge them as soon as possible.

Patient 1

How to know if I have rabies?
Can anyone tell me how to know if I have rabies?
I have been in contact with bats before, even my mom and I would like to know how to know if you got it or you don't.

Patient 2

Why do we get very itchy a holes at night then wake up with smelly fingers?
Update: Paul it's a genuine question
Update 2: Also I do notice brown under my finger nails
Update 3: I wonder if I made mittens of a wire brush and wore them at night would that get rid of the itch?

Patient 3

Why do I only get acne around my mouth and my chin? :(?

ayy sup my babes it's ya boi uh skinn
y


1: the answer is simple my woman, ya gotta bite the bat back. If it got rabies from ur rabies, then you have rabies. Simple!

2: by the way paul what the fuck this is a serious question, come on. Why would you give out that kind of answer? You know what you're looking at? Yeah, that's right. Agnostic atheist with an IQ of 172 on the WAIS-IV scale. I've received numerous invitations to Mensa, all of which I have declined. I was doing calculus when I was 12, and reading at a collegiate level when I was 8. I have a voluminous intellect and a flawless thought-process normally associated with the great thinkers of the past. They're already calling me the next Nikola Tesla. I'm working on a theory right now which is basically Einstein's Theory of Relativity, except expanded -- which would put me in line for a Nobel Prize.

3: it really depends. If it doesn't grow on your pubic hair then I'd call it a problem because dicks and vaginas are really known for being the first things on your body to ever catch acne, this is a fact said by Dr. K. Buttz back a decade ago in the country of Germany, he was my mentor and I really honour him for his work. Don't die!

1. IF THAT BAT WAS RADIOACTIVE, YOU'RE IN LUCK! YOU'LL BECOME BATMAN, WHICH DOES WHATEVER A BAT CAN! COMPLETE WITH DEAD PARENTS!

2. DON'T TAKE THAT PAUL SERIOUSLY, HE THINKS FLIRTING WITH THE IRS AGENTS WILL MAKE HIS TAX FRAUD DISAPPEAR! IT'S BECAUSE PEOPLE FIND OUT THEIR IQ BY SCRATCHING THEIR BUMHOLE! THE MORE BROWN STUFF THAT COMES OUT, THE SMARTER YOU ARE! I SEE A NOBEL PRIZE IN YOUR FUTURE, YOU! YOU....INDESCRIBABLE FREAK OF NATURE.

3. DID YOU FORGET YOUR MOUTH CONDOM? EVERYONE KNOWS THAT KISSING IS AN STD! BY MAKING OUT WITH A GIRL (OR BOY, HOWEVER YOU SWING), YOU FIND YOURSELF WITH AN AILMENT THAT MAKES YOU MORE SOCIALLY AWKWARD AND MORE COMPELLED TO PLAY ONLINE ROLEPLAY GAMES ABOUT MURDER! REAL PARADOX, I KNOW! WANT TO KNOW HOW TO GET RID OF IT? JUST CUT OFF THE BOTTOM PART OF YOUR FACE, OF COURSE! YOU DON'T NEED TO TALK, I HEAR SIGN LANGUAGE IS ALL THE RAGE THESE DAYS!

>How to know if I have rabies?

>Can anyone tell me how to know if I have rabies?

>I have been in contact with bats before, even my mom and I would like to know how to know if you got it or you don't.

the same way you check for any other disease, lala: a tarot reading. go to your local soothsayer and ask for a cross spread reading. some professionals have a reading specifically for health, so bundle that one in while you're at it. don't be too alarmed if you see the Death card, rabies is more closely associated with the Magician.

>Why do we get very itchy a holes at night then wake up with smelly fingers?

>Update: Paul it's a genuine question

>Update 2: Also I do notice brown under my finger nails

>Update 3: I wonder if I made mittens of a wire brush and wore them at night would that get rid of the itch?

itchy a hole, smelly fingers and brown finger nails? you're showing the classic signs of a kanbari haunting. likely, your failure to worship the spirit has caused it to curse your a hole. if you're confident in your calligraphy, a few simple seals should be enough to ward the kanbari off. otherwise, you're going to have to pray, regularly, until the spirit is placated. get on your knees and clasp your hands together over the toilet bowl in prayer at least twice a day. if symptoms worsen, increase frequency.

>Why do I only get acne around my mouth and my chin? :(?

wash your face more often.

1. You have rabies. Always assume you have rabies. Remove the infected parts and burn the rest out of your sinful body.

2. Oh wow. That's a classic sign of demonic possession. Go to a church, explain everything, and get exorcised ASAP. Do it quickly, before the demon finishes incubating and rips it way out of your body.

3. That's where the acne virus likes to hang out. Make out with people and it'll transfer to their faces instead.

Sorry for the delay, here are the compiled responses:

The answer is simple my woman, ya gotta bite the bat back. If it got rabies from your rabies, then you have rabies. Simple! If that bat was radioactive, you're in luck! You'll become Batman, which does whatever a bat can. Complete with dead parents.

Should you be unable to find the bat again, try a tarot reading. Go to your local soothsayer and ask for a cross spread reading. Some professionals have a reading specifically for health, so bundle that one in while you're at it. Don't be too alarmed if you see the Death card, rabies is more closely associated with the Magician.

Should you be unable to find your local soothsayer, you have rabies. Always assume you have rabies. Remove the infected parts and burn the rest out of your sinful body.

By the way Paul what the fuck this is a serious question, come on. Why would you give out that kind of answer? You know what you're looking at? Yeah, that's right. Agnostic atheist with an IQ of 172 on the WAIS-IV scale. I've received numerous invitations to Mensa, all of which I have declined. I was doing calculus when I was 12, and reading at a collegiate level when I was 8. I have a voluminous intellect and a flawless thought-process normally associated with the great thinkers of the past. They're already calling me the next Nikola Tesla. I'm working on a theory right now which is basically Einstein's Theory of Relativity, except expanded -- which would put me in line for a Nobel Prize.

Really now, don't take that Paul seriously, he thinks flirting with the IRS agents will make his tax fraud disappear. It's because people find out their IQ by scratching their bumhole. It's how I figured out mine. The more brown stuff that comes out, the smarter you are. I see a Nobel Prize in your future!

Anyways, itchy a hole, smelly fingers and brown finger nails? you're showing the classic signs of demonic posession, specifically a kanbari haunting. Likely, your failure to worship the spirit has caused it to curse your a hole. If you're confident in your calligraphy, a few simple seals should be enough to ward the kanbari off. otherwise, you're going to have to pray, regularly, until the spirit is placated. Get on your knees and clasp your hands together over the toilet bowl in prayer at least twice a day. If symptoms worsen, increase frequency and go to a church, explain everything, and get exorcised ASAP. Do it quickly, before the demon finishes incubating and rips it way out of your body.

That's where the acne virus likes to hang out. Did you forget your mouth condom? Everyone knows that kissing is an STD. Make out with people and it'll transfer to their faces instead. By making out with a girl (or boy, however you swing), you find yourself with an ailment that makes you more socially awkward and more compelled to play online roleplay games about murder. Real paradox, I know! Want to know how to get rid of it? Wash your face more often and if that doesn't work just cut off the bottom part of your face, of course! You don't need to talk, I hear sign language is all the rage these days.

If it doesn't grow on your pubic hair then I'd call it a problem because dicks and vaginas are really known for being the first things on your body to ever catch acne, this is a fact said by Dr. K. Buttz back a decade ago in the country of Germany, he was my mentor and I really honour him for his work. Don't die!