This post was last modified: Sep 7, 2019 at 5:35 AM by Fun With Despair.

So there I was, this fine Friday evening, taking a stroll through the neighborhood at 10 pm as all fine upstanding members of a productive community do. I was tempted to perhaps go home and play the monster hunter expansion, when I froze.

Peering into the dark, I witnessed an omen most foul, one that sent a shiver up my spine, and a coldness into my breath itself.

I was not particularly keen on this strange sign luring me into the shadows, but how could I resist its allure? Indeed, I am a curious creature, and the sign held some hideous sway over my conscious mind, such as a spider lures prey into its web. With a heavy sigh, deafening the alarm bells currently echoing within my mind, I proceeded down the winding path it signaled.

And what horror do I find at the end?

...Oh for fuck's sake.

Okay, so this park is a bit of an oddity in that I can't really even find a name for the thing. I mean, it exists and it's on google maps and stuff, but it doesn't have any kind of title or signage, at least not any I could see in the pitch fucking darkness anyway. Regardless, the place is themed around like, a small town. You've got a bunch of little locales, which I'll touch on as we go, but let's start with probably the biggest of the lot, the firetruck.

The firetruck is, well, shaped like a firetruck. Duh. Beyond that though, it's the most conventional of the playground assets here, being just a playground really. As you can see from a couple pictures up, it's got a few ways of climbing up, including this spiral thing that technically worked fine as a ladder, but also looked like a fucking SCP entry in this photo, so here you go:

Not wanting to descend into the literal depths of hell, I decided instead to take the slide down.

The slide sucks total ass. It's honestly probably one of the worst ones I've ever tried to slide down, and I mean that in quite possibly the most unironic way that you can possibly compare playground slides as a grown man.

You get stuck halfway and kind of have to butt-scoot your way down. It's not pleasant, to say the least. Usually these metal slides are, as the kids say, "lit", but this one in particular is in pretty rough shape, so I'm not surprised. Regardless though, you don't have to be surprised to be disappointed, so fuck this slide anyway.

On the ground floor, you can see what initially looks like two (2) meme wheels, but upon closer inspection, the one in the first photo doesn't even spin, or really do much of anything besides look vaguely firetruck-y I guess.

The second one however, is one of the very few well-applied examples of the wheel in a playground. Everyone knows my tenacious history with the things, but I won't even call this one a meme wheel really, it's an actual steering wheel you can use to pretend you're driving the truck. In this case, it's a genuinely nice touch for roleplay purposes, and I think it's definitely valid.

Further down the path into "town", we have Pop's Grocery Store, which is just kind of a flat panel with a doorway and a little thing to play tic-tac-toe with, except with apples and pears, which is fine, really. There's not much to it, but there's not much wrong with it either. I appreciate the use of pears though, a genuinely underrated and patrician fruit.

Just through the door (or around the building if you're a fucking asshole) is the swing set, which some twat decided to cover with rocks. I won't even bother rating this one, as I did not want to get my pants dirty. It's a swing set though, it's kind of hard to get wrong unless you get gimmicky with it and put something stupid where the seat should be. You can reasonably assume this one works the same as any other swing set under the sun.

Now, past the grocery store and swing set, we have Tom's Donuts. If you'll notice, the sign says they are open 24 hours, but there was no one at the counter, which was disappointing as I would have liked a donut. Across a little climbing thing, we have the police station and what I suppose is the jail. I would have put my head in the cop thing for a funny photo opportunity, but I did not wish to be called a bastard, so I refrained.

There's not much going on at either of these locales, but it is nice to have a climbing place that doesn't require upper body strength for once. It was kinda fun. There were also no wasps in the yellow voice communicator things, which was a let down. Curiously, the two are hardly even two meters apart from each other, which begs the question: Why not just walk up and talk to your friend instead? Kids these days and their social anxiety, I swear.

On our final stop of this tour, we have the bank. The sign says its open, but the teller is gone. Only a rudimentary abacus remains, which I'm sure is a valid way of performing mathematical equations. Still, I do not feel comfortable leaving my money with an abacus, so I didn't end up opening an account.

Behind the bank is this little slider thing, a playground staple. This is a pretty good one, with a fairly high glide quotient, but it only has the bouncy rubber part that's supposed to send it back to the platform on one end, and it's way TOO bouncy, meaning that trying to return it to your friend will almost always result it in bouncing back at you like a sick facsimile of a boomerang.

And so I continued down the path, leaving this resident-free town behind, perhaps forever. Will it still be there when the sun rises? Who can say? Perhaps such mysteries are left best untold.

THE VERDICT: 5/10

I was originally give this a 6, but while writing this I came to a realization pretty quick. The theme alone really can't carry a playground to above average status when a lot of it just really isn't that fun. The slide sucks balls, the swing's been vandalized, and the entire police station/donut shop is basically worthless. I'd like the firetruck enough, except that there's really nothing to do on there besides maybe play pretend and scoot your ass slowly down the slide. The apple/pear game down by the grocery store is fine, as is the bank and climbing wall part of the police station and donut shop, but there's really just nothing to do.

Don't get me wrong, I actually do think the theme is pretty charming, but while this place would be great with a big gang of friends all playing a role in town, a playground isn't truly great unless you can actually have a modicum of fun while alone on it, which isn't really a thing here. If the slide worked a little better, I'd probably give it higher points, but as the absolute state of the swing demonstrates, the average clientele here is very likely entirely insufferable, and I would much rather take my business somewhere else.

great review as ever, and also as always i laughed out loud a lot. i applaud you for entering silent hill for 6 year olds for the sake of the playground reviews. really looking forward to more!!!!

Liked, faved, subscribed and hit the bell.

Hey, where is the hard hat and reflective gear?!

i'm glad to have these back again.

i actually quite like this playground but i'm a bit too charmed by the theme i guess. but the slide sucking and the swing being fucked does admittedly make it seem like an eh place to actually play at. they did at least try to do the playground staples in a somewhat interesting manner, but thinking about it the theme would probably not even register to the kids past the first time or two they're there. other than the firetruck cause kids fuckin love those.

i'm glad to have these back again.

i actually quite like this playground but i'm a bit too charmed by the theme i guess. but the slide sucking and the swing being fucked does admittedly make it seem like an eh place to actually play at. they did at least try to do the playground staples in a somewhat interesting manner, but thinking about it the theme would probably not even register to the kids past the first time or two they're there. other than the firetruck cause kids fuckin love those.

honestly if I was rating on theme alone this would rank really high because I do actually love it.

but actually, hold on to your ass, because themed playgrounds are going to be, well, a theme this time around

Contrary to your expectations, I am going to call you a bastard for not sticking your face in the police cutout and taking a photo.