I really didn't feel like getting more fast food yesterday. I think my body is starting to gain an aversion to it. I decided that instead of reviewing a fast food item I would instead review the video game "I Love You, Colonel Sanders! A Finger Lickin' Good Dating Simulator".

There are a lot of images so I will put the entire review inside a spoiler tag. There are also spoilers for the game itself.

Spoiler: Show

You may not know this about me, but Satan is a bit of an eroge expert. It gets kind of lonely down here in the bowels of hell. All of the attractive female demons are out busy responding to summons and tulpa magicks.


The game starts up in fullscreen, which is bad. After seeing this terrible sin I went double checked that the names of everyone involved in this game's creation was on my expected vistors list. They were. Anyways this is all we have for options. There is no saving or loading a game. No text speed settings. If you uncheck the Fullscreen box it doesn't help any because the game is still 1080p and cannot be resized. For a game released at the end of last year this is embarrassing.


They let you enter your name so you can really get into the character.


We wake up in our protagonist's bedroom. They have a poster of some K-Pop band up on their wall and another poster of a chicken that says 鶏, which means chicken if it wasn't obvious. If you pick the second option you immediately get a game over.


After a quick breakfast consisting of a KFC biscuit you make your way to school where you will be attending a three day long cooking bootcamp. It is there that you meet your best friend, Miriam. She doesn't really have any character outside of being our best friend.


The next character that gets introduced is Aeshleigh. She is your rival and her character consists of bullying everyone and being a general bitch until she sees a hot guy. She then switches into sweetheart mode.


They also introduce us to Van Van the Man Man at this time. I forgot to take a screenshot but here's an image of him from later in the game. He's basically a JoJo character. He is Aeshleigh's best friend and together they both bully other kids.


Finally we make it to class. Does anybody know who they guy is next to the clock? If you do be sure to leave a message below in the comments.


Also your professor is a dog. This introduces all of the main characters. There are a few side ones but if you're that interested just go play the game for yourself. It's free on Steam.


Then the Colonel comes in. Up to this point everyone in the game has been talking about how a hot, sexy, mysterious man has shown up on campus. They all want on his dick and we're not one to miss out. The name of the game going forward is trying to impress the Colonel at every opportunity we get.

There are a few quiz sections that come next and test your knowledge on KFC. If you get them all right the Colonel smiles in your favor.


The day ends and you leave with Sanders. You encounter the Spork Monster and have to do a small RPG battle with it. I don't know if you can actually win this, but I had to have my ass saved by Sanders.


He performs whatever the hell this move is and defeats the monster. The monster drops a grimoire full of evil cooking magic and flees. You pick up the book and return home with it.

Day two plays out basically the same way. You notice that your rival happens to have the same evil cook book that the spork monster dropped the previous night. Could she be practicing the dark arts? I'll spoil it here for you right now and say that she is the one creating the spork monsters and that this plot line never gets resolved. It gets acknowledged later when she reveals it to you but it is never brought up again after that.


The day ends with Sanders inviting you to stay the night over at his house. You share a new coleslaw recipe with him and he's into it. He then goes off into the kitchen to cook I forgot knows what and you're given free reign to snoop around his house a bit. He has a taxidermy chicken, an urn filled with ashes, photos of his previous business endeavors, and a closet full of jackets. I decide to put on a jacked and then start rubbing one out right when he decides to walk back in the room. If you pick the first move here and try to make a move on him then he will reject your advances and send you home. The game then ends and I had to replay it back up to this point. I tell him the truth and we sleep together but there is no CG for it.

I return home the morning after and find Miriam waiting for me at my house. I tell her that I slept with the Colonel but not in a lewd way. I guess we just cuddled or something? Miriam accompanies us along to school for the final day. The cooking competition.


Here are the dishes we decide to make. We end up fucking up the pot pie though. Man, even in the game they can't manage to make this thing right!


I'm sharing this screenshot only because the restricted symbol made me laugh.

Fortunately for us, the Colonel comes to our rescue. Since we ruined the pot pie we only have mac & cheese left so you both have the great idea to combine the two dishes together to create the Mac & Cheese Bowl.


Everyone loves it. We end up winning the competition, but not because our dish was great. Every other entrant gets disqualified for some reason or another. Van Van cooks some poison, Miriam makes a dish for ants, Ashleigh makes a candy sculpture not fit for consumption, and every other side character fails to produce a single item.


The game ends with a school dance. Ashleigh and Van Van go around apologizing to everyone. The dog is the DJ. I don't really know what's going on anymore and I kind of just started to zone out. Thankfully we're approaching the end.

The Colonel shows up and he has a bucket of fried chicken with him. He shares it with everyone and then takes us aside. Is this the moment we have finally been waiting for?


No. Sanders tells us that we are an attractive human being who he could see himself falling in love with, but says he has to go off on his own to be a business man. Unfortunately we did not do well enough on all of the random KFC quizzes in the game to give him the impression that we would be a good business partner.

The game then ends. I think this was a bad ending but I'm not about to go back and replay the game for a third time to try and get the sexy marriage ending.

Overall I got about 90min out of the game. It was free so I guess that's a pretty good price per hour there. The art wasn't very good, and we didn't even get to see the Colonel naked. I didn't screenshot any of the side characters, I should have so you could see that their art is much worse than the main cast. The plot left something to be desired as well. Between the quizzes there was nothing but sucking up to Colonel Sanders and being marketed to with unrealistic drawings of KFC menu items. I game was also not funny. I only laughed one time and it was not at a real joke.

If you are very horny for buff anime Colonel Sanders then I would recommend you spend an afternoon with this game. Maybe it can fix your fucked up tastes.

2/5
It's just a fancy commercial.

After completing the game, I felt like just posting my review of it would be unfair to the spirit of the garrison. However, I did not have the energy and went to sleep. Today I did manage to make it to the restaurant. I had yet another confusing interaction in the drive-through. They no longer sell the Mac & Cheese Bowl, so I had to improvise. I looked up when the item was removed and apparently it was back in January last year. So I guess this special item that they made an entire video game to promote was so unpopular that it lasted just a few months.

I ordered a side of mac & cheese. I was given the options "Small" and "Large". Easy enough, I picked the small one. I then tried to order popcorn chicken and was given the options "Large" and "Family". I inquired which was the smaller one and the cashier did not seem to understand my question. He simply asked again whether I wanted the Large or Family size. This exchange repeated a few times before I just said "give me the smaller one" and he finally seemed to understand.

Collection

The glass of water was not from KFC.

Pot Pie
The Pot Pie was much larger than I was expecting. I thought I would be getting a small, one serving, pie. Instead I got what seems to be a meal for two people. I took out the plastic spork that was given to me at the drive-through and dug in. What I found was unsatisfying to say the least.

The first problem is that there is no crust beyond what you see on top. That is not how a pie works, get your shit together, KFC. What is inside the pie is a horror show. Pieces of shredded chicken, carrots, potato, and peas swim in some sort of goo. I think it's supposed to be gravy... but it doesn't have the consistency of gravy or any taste. The chicken and vegetables did at least have a flavor but the entire experience was brought down significantly by the goo. The crust was indeed flaky as advertised and probably the only part of the meal safe for consumption. I managed to make it about halfway through the pie before reluctantly setting the rest aside for tomorrow.

1/5
Cursed.

Mac & Cheese Bowl (False)

The Mac & Cheese was smaller than I expected. I know I ordered a small, but I was expecting a bit more. I later discovered that there was actually quite a lot packed into that small bowl. The pop corn chicken seemed fine. There were some small pieces in the box that seemed to just be shards of just fried breading. Anyways it's time to assemble the Mac & Cheese Bowl.


That was easy. KFC why did you have to take this off your menu? You have all the ingredients and it's so quick to put together. Time to eat. Unfortunately the spork they supplied is too flimsy to pierce the hard shell of the chicken. I instead had to resort to scooping up entire pieces into my mouth. It actually tasted okay. The chicken was fine and the mac & cheese was fine too. It was creamy and the chicken was crispy. Compared to Domino's chicken bites I would say Domino's are better. The breading on KFC's might be superior but the meat inside is of a better quality at Domino's.

3/5
I'd probably order this if it was still on the menu.

Warning, you do not have to read this next part. If any of you are wondering why I post these reviews so late in the day, it is because part of the fast food reviewing process is my body's reaction to the food. Something here gave me some terrible shits. I don't know which item it was, but I think I'll put blame on the pot pie first.

great post satan, thank you for putting your literal health and well-being on the line yet again in pursuit of the reviews. i know the notion of eating any KFC at all makes me want to throw up- and hey, it even looks like that pot pie has already been regurgitated once!

i would actually fuck both the evil characters in the kfc game. do they have routes?

i'm not gonna comment on the food but i will share this lovely story about kfc

Sanders sold Kentucky Fried Chicken in 1964, and after food conglomerate Heublein purchased the company in 1971, the cantankerous colonel began to deride the chain’s gravy as “slop” and its owners as “a bunch of booze hounds.” Although still the public face of the company, Sanders so disliked Kentucky Fried Chicken’s food that he developed plans to franchise “The Colonel’s Lady’s Dinner House” restaurant—which he opened with his wife in Shelbyville, Kentucky, in 1968—as a competitor. When Heublein threatened to block the plan, Sanders sued for $122 million. The two sides settled out of court, with Sanders receiving $1 million and a chance to give a cooking lesson to Heublein executives in return for his promise to stop criticizing Kentucky Fried Chicken’s food. The renamed “Claudia Sanders Dinner House” was allowed to remain open and is still in operation.

damn satan you spoil us. not only a review of a shitty VN but of the shitty food it's advertising as well.

that pot pie seems fucking disgusting. as expected of kfc. i'm shocked to hear that the mix of kfc's chicken and mac and cheese is edible, the chicken there is so terrible normally. maybe the popcorn chicken is a little better? i'm not excited to find out. if only the chain was as good as it is in japan over here, and thats not even a weeb comment that's just elevating it to the standards of most other fast food places lmao.

hilarious that they made a game to promote a menu item taken off like 3-4 months later. must have been a smashing success