i dont run a blog right now
instead

talk to grim and hear his words

At some point one of the things I realized about my relationship to videogame was that it had stopped yielding any positive dividend. Where as a teenager I was mostly a social recluse, it gave me a topic to talk about with others and some kind of input to my emotions. Maybe in a way, I was getting some kind of emotional input out of videogames. I thought I could identify with characters that I could not fundamentally share experiences with.

Maybe something was wrong with my head, I used to wonder - it kept me from socializing with people properly. My parents often told me when I asked that therapy or counseling was pointless. I would only get told "what I wanted to hear" and that I was better off learning from life.

My brother used to take me by the wrist and drag me out to parties. I drank a lot, probably starting somewhere around 13-14. That was what I did: meet my brothers friends and drink with them. They became my friends and basically the only friends I had.

I could still not identify with people in videogames like I was told I was supposed to. A teacher I had used to get on me for the things I liked reading. "They were for people a lot older." she would say. Truthfully, I didn't really identify or share any emotional experiences with the people in those books either.

For a long time I felt pretty hollow as a teenager. I would dress it up in a lot of overly poetic philosophy that I stole from other places. Someone explained to me then that I had been looking at it all wrong. There was no point in trying to find some kind of emotional kinship with people who would save the world - what you were supposed to do was feed your experiences in them.

Someone had to explain to me how to have an emotional connection with a work of art. Since then, one of my darker habits has been that I would rather have an emotional connection with a work of creativity than I would any person I've probably ever met. Relationships are temporary, fiction is immortal.

do you ever think: man, I wonder what this one person I might have vaguely liked when we met but never really interacted with is up to?

My memory troubles me particularly often. I can't remember faces or names that I know should have importance in the events my mind predicts. Yet when I do not passively or actively think of them I also know they do not simply vanish. Yet when they are not present I never miss their lack of presence.

I fantasize about a roguelike where the player is only buying a key to world generation, and if they want a new world generated they have to buy a new copy of the game. Why should I create something that can run a universe if you're just going to die in it anyway? Your existence is only temporary here, but the world needs to be able to chug on without you after you die. Why should billions of artificial lives and stories have to be ended because you fucked up and drank a potion that necrotized your insides?

hoyl shit dude. thats some gr8 realtalk

sometimes i'll write littl tangents like that too. i think its healthy