This place has no name, no defining nearby landmarks, no bitches, and thankfully no children, but does it also have no quality? I have absolutely no idea.

I could probably ask around or find a street sign or something, but I don't want to remind the locals that I exist and also I am no longer in the area. That being said, hopefully this place winds up having an identity of its own somewhat, as it does bring back a playground classic that hasn't shown up at all since the last batch. With some cautious optimism for once, let's begin.

From a distance, this isn't too impressive at first glance. No theme or anything, consisting of the usual metal tubing that makes up the vast majority of modern playgrounds No interesting landmarks around, just a small playground sitting around uncomfortably close to the backyards of wealthy suburbanites who may judge me for my actions.

But hey, at least we've finally got...

Swings.

It's been a long time, but here they are. The first set of swings so far. Wow. Did they just stop designing playgrounds with these things? Are even the simple swings considered a safety hazard now? Sad times indeed if so. These ones are pretty good though. They have that annoying thing that makes it impossible to wrap them over the top, but to compensate for that, it's actually already high enough to where my legs don't scrape along the ground or anything at all. Pretty good!

As usual I'm too big for the baby swing, which also as usual, I'm sort of happy about. The things look like they'd hurt your nuts to sit in on the best of days.

Oh yeah, then there's this piece of shit. If you're over five feet tall, go to hell, because you sure as shit ain't making this thing work. The front seat is crazy small, to the point where you literally can't fit, and the back seat doesn't give you the leverage to rock it at all. Very bad. I don't think I have ever found one of these that didn't suck mondo dick though so I'm not exactly surprised.

Over here there's a climbing structure, bit of a two for one combo. You've got a climbing wall on one side, and some ropes on the other. Very classy. The ropes have a good amount of tension to where they aren't overly stiff, but aren't very saggy either. There's also some ropes kind of lining the arch that supports the wall, but they aren't anything to write home about. Good if some asshole is hogging the main ropes, I guess.

These stepping stones are the same prefab ones you see in every playground though. No, they don't spin despite their appearance. It's sort of nice that you can walk right up to the climbing structure on them though. Great for playground games that require you to not touch the ground.

As for ways to get onto the playground and other such features surrounding the main structure itself, you've got this little disc-climbing thing, which I'm pretty sure I've encountered and talked about here before in a different playground context. Still more interesting than the standard ladder, so it gets my seal of approval. If you're boring, you can also just step right onto the playground from the ground nearby though, or step onto that same ledge from the stepping stones seen above.

This red spiral staircase of metal tubing is sort of fun despite its simplicity, as you have to duck a bit while you climb up and make your way through the loops. It's more interesting than the usual weird twisted climbing spiral monkeybars though, if not much more fun to actually mess around with, so I like it too.

Underneath the playground is this little keyboard thing, which although not pictured, has a large protruding housing behind it, which actually got me pretty excited. Does this thing actually work and make music? I decided to give it a shot, and my hopes were crushed faster than a hard taco you're trying to take a bite of. Each and every key makes the exact same metallic plunk.

I'm not sure whether this is actually the playground's fault though - it does seem like there's at least something that was initially behind these keys, even if they don't work now, but it is truly disappointing. Kids probably broke it at some point, which is to be expected but still. Would've been nice to see one of these musical features actually working for once.

Finally if you want to be a lame ass, there's stairs. The plain yogurt equivalent of things you climb. Gotta have a climbing structure for the homeschooled kids, after all.

Directly up the stairs is a metal slide and a bench you can sit on. Maybe so you can wait for some asshole to use the slide so you can do the same, but how long does it really take to use a slide? Really, this is kind of just an awkward placement for a bench. It's also too small for adults, which sort of sucks. To sit on it I have to arch my back into the concave area behind it, like a horrible gargoyle, or your average dota player sitting at his desk. The slide is nothing to write home about, though it is also not bad. It's about middle of the road.

But THIS thing, this thing slaps. The days of the wobbly bridge - no, even the days of the REGULAR bridge, end here motherfucker. If you're too pussy to cross the monkeybar death bridge, you're too pussy to read this review. Grow some balls and come back, because this thing separates the boys from the men. Or the girls from the women, I suppose, but they are at slightly less risk of absurd crotch pain if they slip and fall on one of these compared to the aforementioned boys and men, so they're playing on easy mode with this death machine.

Jokes aside, I love this thing. Great twist on the bridge concept, building a climbing structure right into the playground itself, and just enough danger to be thrilling while still giving you enough to grab onto to where its a safe climb. Would be great if I was some kid playing Indiana Jones on a rickety bridge with missing planks. It's less great now as an adult because I'm only playing as some guy trying not to slip and hit his nuts, but it's still fun! Best feature so far of this set.

Finally on the other side, up this ramp, is the best slide I've encountered thus far during this garrison. This bitch is fast, being made of metal and also quite long, you get a lot out of this one. You go rocketing down at surprising speeds, but because of the length you don't feel cockblocked like a lot of the smaller slides. A worthy reward from the treacherous traversal it required to get over here. For the first time all garrison, I actually went down this one a second time.

As a bonus before I give my final summary and score, I found this strange container on the grass labeled "Cotton Balls", which is decidedly not full of cotton balls but instead dandelions. I... don't really know why, and I can only assume it's some sort of terrible voodoo curse. If this results in my death, maiming, or eternal torment, I'm blaming all of you for making me come out here. Won't affect my rating though.

Ah yes, my rating.

My initial impressions weren't too great, it lacks an interesting theme or any sort of visual distinction, but (nearly) everything here is good to great. Besides the useless bumblebee rocking horse, it's got good swings, an excellent variety of things to climb on, a neat variant on your standard bridge, and a killer slide. What else can I say? I'm gonna dock a few points for some useless shit like the bench, the broken keyboard, the worthless rocker, but overall this playground was very solid. It doesn't necessarily stand out in many ways, but overall it ends up being a pretty great package deal.

I'm giving this one a....

7/10

why is the rock climbing wall next to the playground instead of attached to the playground
amateur hour

i'm actually shocked that the swings are a first for this set, i didn't realize they were missing until now but they're one of the most important parts of a playground in practice.

this playground seems shockingly good, bit of a shame on the instrument thing but it has the vast majority of bases covered and it's got one the best kind of bridge that i just about thought was only present on one of the playgrounds i used to have access to considering i'd never seen the same concept otherwise in all these playground reviews. great shit there.

i do actually understand the bench somewhat. those are nice to have built into the actual playground as i would regularly have moments where friends and i would just be chilling around the same part of a playground that wasn't exactly intended for it and having accommodations for that sort of instance is nice. i guess the slide placement is a little intrusive as doing so would get in the way of people trying to use said slide but eh. thought counts