Fun With Despair
I sat down at my computer, fully expecting to write out another spooky little short intro to this one, but this particular playground has actually made me a little mad, not gonna lie. Despite the extreme lack of signage and/or an identity I can use to name it, giving it a mysterious lack of identity, I don't feel like it's worthy of anything remotely spooky. This is a shame, because it's actually not the worst one I've experienced while reviewing playgrounds. That one goes to...
Red Crow Park from the last garrison still, which can, to put it lightly, suck a fat one.

Why the animosity towards this one? Why is it not the worst despite this? Why am I sitting here reviewing a playground meant for young children at the late hours of the night? Let's find out!

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This one's a little on the smaller end compared to the Town Park obviously, but it does actually have about the same amount of stuff to do, which is... sort of depressing actually. The question isn't how much it can do though, but how well it does those things, and the initial impression I got as I climbed up that tire was... not very.

The tire ladder thing has no real support or resistance to it, so once you step on the tire, it just kind of sags very uncomfortable beneath your foot. It's like stepping in quicksand, except if you stop moving, you don't get out, you're just standing on a relatively shit tire for a couple seconds longer.

I decided instead to try and take the monkeybars, and... well...

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Ignoring the apparition to my right, you can see that these monkeybars are rather crap. They don't have any bars going between them, so you just have to kind of awkwardly dangle from the "handles" on the side and shuffle your way around. This would be... probably fine but those fucking support bars connecting the bottom layers to the top just generally make everything uncomfortable to use.

I'm not really like, offended by this mind you, but I AM sort of confused as to this design decision. Why abandon the classic design for something objectively worse? What is this, the Devil May Cry reboot?

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To your left and right when you get up that miserable tire, you have these... sort of tic-tac-toe things? Except they have three options I guess rather than two and a blank space, which makes me wonder. Were the guys who designed this just the playground equivalent of fighting game rosterfags? Did they decide that kids might not want to play as the black dinosaur, so they put in two spotted options too? Were the two penguins considered OP so they put a panda in there too in case kids wanted the penguins banned? The world may never know.

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Also the bank teller appears to have found a second job. Sad, the state of our wages these days.

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This place has two slides, and after I took the first one down into the eternal abyss, I rode the swirly slide. I'm quite happy to let you know though that they're both absolutely great slides. Very slippery, very fast, and honestly just a ton of fun after the disappointment of yesterday's. I've found the plastic slides somewhat worse than the metal ones on average in the past, but recent events might be changing my opinion on this by quite a bit.

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Disregarding the oddly cinematic shot here, the path to the spiral slide is a bit of an oddity. These wooden panels cover up a couple holes, which to me indicates that there were originally two additional attractions here. The removal of these upsets me, because they could have been something cool, like functional fucking monkeybars for once, or another great slide, or even a meme wheel (which this park is lacking, to my pleasant surprise) but I guess we'll never know, huh?

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On the other side of the playground, little did I know that there was another way up that wasn't the saggy tire. Would have been nice to know earlier, but ah well. Unfortunately though, the archway at the end of the ladder is a bit, well, small for me to fit through after climbing the ladder without either ducking or slav squatting through it.

Who's this thing built for anyway, children? Come on.

Now, to bring this closer to a conclusion, it's time to talk about the thing that actually enraged me.

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Looking down at this thing, I figured it was just a typical fireman's pole, which the firetruck part of the Town Park from the last review was sorely lacking. Readying myself, I slid down as anyone would, for that is the true purpose of the pole.

However, the smile on my face turned to a look of agony on the way down.

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See, the paint on these things is meant to make the metal relatively resistance-free when stainless steel or another good metal isn't used, like on the classic wooden playgrounds. However, when the paint comes off in layers like this...

Well, let's just say it fucking hurts to slide down. The rough surface of the eroded layers, along with the poor quality metal really burns your hands as they slide, and I can't imagine how many people have fallen victim to this. Seriously, they remove two other parts of this fucking place and they leave the evil death pole there? What is this, fucking Nigera? You can afford to fix the playground, you municipal government cunts.


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The only reason this even gets a score above 1 is the rockin' slides. The monkeybars suck, the abacus without the bank theme (and with half the color worn off) is pointless, the tic-tac-toe things are kind of weirdly set up to where you can't properly use them due to lack of a proper blank space, half the activities are missing, and the one activity that can ACTUALLY INJURE YOU is somehow intact?? What??

Fuckin' hell, I need a drink after this one. And maybe an ice pack for my hand.
In my experience plastic slides are better than metal ones.

That pole sounds fucking horrific, I can imagine the crying kids from that shit.

Why the absolute hell would you not have a neutral TTT space, I can't figure out the logic there other than as you said, roster bullshit in a fucking game of tic-tac-toe.
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this one looks like it has one foot in the grave
it's always sad to see something that could've brought joy to children reduced to a partially boarded up death trap
in my experience plastic slides tend to have less friction than metal ones (so you go faster) but also give you static shocks
The Archivist
Statement of "Dude" regarding his midnight walk. Original statement given September 8, 2019. Audio recording by Jonathan Simms, head archivist of the Magnus Institute, London. Statement begins.

"look bro you gotta help me out here, when i was on my leisurely stroll last night i saw some fucked up shit near the local playground. it looked human but it wasn't, it had long branches for limbs and had a wet ball of fur for hair. i don't think this fucker even had a mouth i don't know, there was a pitch black scarf covering its lanky-ass face. i thought it was going on a midnight hike like i was but nope, it was using the slides and hanging off the monkeybars even though this monster was clearly as mature as my fucking grandma. it caught me looking at it and as soon as it did it barreled towards me like sonic the goddamn hedgehog yelling at me "CAN I INTERVIEW YOU ABOUT THIS PL-" except i didn't hear the rest of it because at this point i was running for my worthless life back to my house. come on you gotta believe me now it's breathing heavily outside my window every night i'm in fucking DANGER"

Statement ends.

...Christ, this Killing Game can't come soon enough, can it.

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