#1
Fun With Despair
This is one of those rare occasions where I was able to actually scope a place out during the day, although unfortunately I couldn't get an angle good enough to actually fit the entire park in. Luckily though, I was able to find a ton of pictures online for my preview, because this park is also relatively well known. I will however, only be posting one, because it is all you deserve.

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The city of Calgary, Alberta holds literally one notable park for walking in, unless you count like, nature parks. I do not, personally, because they do not have slides. Either way, the surrounding parkland is of no concern to us, as what matters in the end is far more important: The playground itself. Does it measure up as a particularly notable one? Or does it join the ranks of some of the awful garbage I've seen so far?

Stay tuned.

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Towards the ...front? of the place, there's this kind of hut thing made up of three panels and some spaces in between to enter and exit. It's also got a roof, so it's probably nice and shady on most hot days.

I think the weird part here though are the panels themselves and what makes them up. It's got that same ice cream shop panel from Butterfly Park, but here I think it actually works better, as its a separate building over here technically, and it's got two stools outside so you can actually just chill out here. Then there's "Shakespeare In The Park" , the sequel to "Cabin in the Woods" and the precursor to the critically acclaimed "Cat in the Hat", starring Mike Meyers

Jokes aside, you can probably have fun with this place easily enough, put on some kind of skit while your friends watch you. The last panel is this piano thing, which you'd think would make sounds when you hit the bars or something, but they just kind of clunk. Maybe they made actual noise at one point, but clearly, it has been many an era since.

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On the other side of the Shakespeare in the Park panel is this inscription of Peter Pan picking up his hat. This isn't all that worth pointing out, but I wanted to share it anyway so we can all laugh at the fucking idiot who dropped his hat. Look at this guy.

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Near the hut is... one of these. There was a different variety at the Spray Park I think, but the gist of this thing is that you put your ass inside and spin forever until you crave death. The most similar one that I encountered was in Columbia Park back in my last set of reviews, and I think I liked it there. Similarly, this one's fun too.

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The next structure of note is this train, manned by a new entry in the Blue Imp lore, the Black Imp. The connection to that cheap garbage company really explains the comic sans everywhere, but I don't want to make many jokes about the presence of the Black Imp, because I do not wish to be racist, but to his credit, unlike the Red Imp, this imp seems to be gainfully employed as a train conductor.

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Unfortunately, he also seems to currently be engaged in an ancestral self-harm ritual as he stabs the skewer ever deeper into his leg. Despite the pain, his grin grows wider, stretching to overtake his hideous visage.

I'm just going to move on and leave him to it.

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The train doesn't have much else going on, besides this bell and the meme wheel, the latter of which is once again in an acceptable context. I know, I know, you probably don't steer a train like a car, but at least it's not just fixed on some random panel on the playground. Meanwhile, this bell has the same problem as the piano wall: it just clunks, it barely even rings. It sounds like a cowbell stuffed with cotton. Awful.

As for the double slide, it's just too short. I could take like one step and go from the bottom of it to the top. It's unimpressive and makes me feel a little sad.

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And then on the wall of the train car behind the engine is this poem. It's not very good. I'm not sure if it's like a known nursery rhyme or original content, but I really don't want to type this into google because I don't need the government thinking I'm weird.

There's also these climbing things and a second slide on the other side too but they're like, genuinely too small to write much about, just like the other slide. They're clearly meant for very, very young children. There's a Blue Imp logo too if you'll notice, because of course there is. It's capitalism, baby.

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The other main structure here is this one here, labeled "Fort Calgary" after an actual historical site. I don't think they used comic sans in the 1800s, but besides that, it is a very faithful depiction, as every fort from that era contained many bright climbing structures and slides.

On a slightly more serious note, you can see these chain climbing ladders in the background of the image too, which are decent fun to climb up. I always tend to like these though, so some bias might be showing.

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You'll notice that I am wearing dress shoes now, and that's mostly because my normal shoes started to fall apart, and I didn't have time to go get more.

Anyway, this second structure consists almost entirely of ways to get onto the playground, but with nearly nothing to do on it, besides a couple slides and, well...

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The exact same spaceship meme wheel things as on Butterfly Park. This is really the problem with these modular prefab playground parts over actual creative and unique designs, you start seeing the exact same shit copypasted around, and nine times out of ten, it's usually the worst part of the particular playground.

I'd be okay with this if it was on the train, but instead it's on the structure labeled to be a fort, which really boggles the noggin.

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Overlooking the fireman's pole, you can see an obstacle course stretch almost like the one at the Spray Park, but vastly more uninteresting, lacking the cool climbing wall thing and the swinging stepping stones. Instead, it's basically just monkeybars, platforms, and basically acts as a monument erected to mock my lack of upper body strength.

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The segments of this one are connected by three bridges, both of which lack any kind of activity along the way. Notably though, this particular playground has been plagued with some graffiti. I can't quite make out whatever this guy's tag says, but it looks vaguely like "Grandpa Boobs" which is just... wow.

Seriously, if that's your street name then buddy you aren't gonna last very long out there, I'll say that much.

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This structure contains a multitude of slides as well, which would normally be a boon, but they each have a strange quirk that brings down their value a bit. The first one is short, slow, and generic, but the second one is the real dickhead. What looks to be a normal set of double slides instead turns into a torture device for your hips, as they curve oddly halfway down and make you bang against the side a bit.

There's a reason why slides that have a weird shape to them are typically wavy in a vertical fashion rather than horizontal, and that's because the latter fucking blows. As for the third slide, it's actually okay, and its shape makes it still comfortable to use in the event of sudden spontaneous obesity occurring on the way down.

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fuck yeah boys, we're entering the danger zone

A bit of a ways off from the obstacle course are the spinning things, the best of which being this badass right here. Grab onto the top part, and have a fucking BLAST as it spins around like a carnival ride. These are one of those things that used to be common but aren't anymore due to safety reasons, and a combination of that and the kind of old-feeling plastic on that top part makes me think it's a holdover from the pre-Blue Imp version of this playground, or at least from a different manufacturer. It's seriously a lot of fun, and I love it.

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These things are basically the same. Stand inside the cage or grab onto the outside, and just fuckin' spin for ages. Awesome. I think I've ran into a couple like this before, and they're always great, just like they are here.

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Capping off the... I guess old west theme of this place are these generally hideous cowboy hat swings. They at least have a good amount of them, but three of them are those stupid baby swings that 90% of the population can't use without causing severe blood flow cutoff to the legs. They're not even all that great at swinging either, and the far right one of the adult swings is haunted, making it basically unusable, as I don't want to sit on a ghost's lap. I'm not sure if ghosts wear pants.

But enough about ghosts, because that about wraps up today's episode, earning this park a score of...

THE VERDICT: 5/10

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Two mediocre ones back to back doesn't particularly bode well, but the half-baked theme of this one doesn't save it from having next to nothing interesting going on. Don't get me wrong, the spinning parts are fantastic and probably the best aspect of this place by a country mile, but outside of the train, which is probably Blue Imp's crowning achievement and best work, there's nothing there.

Actually speaking of Blue Imp, they still haven't responded to my fucking email. This level of customer support is just absolutely inexcusable in so many ways, and exposes Blue Imp for the slimeball shit pit of a company they are. With this in mind, I may have to revise my score.

THE VERDICT: 0/10

...At least until they answer my questions

pls respond
#2
Goose
honk
#3
MFan168
wow goose, i had no idea you had such a vitriolic prejudice against playgrounds fuck you man
#4
Draku
The spinny parts seem like a lot of fun, I've never actually seen those sorts of things ever.

But holy shit the rest of that park is atrociously bad. Fucking Blue Imp.
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#5
Kright
This imp lore is powerful stuff. Do you think there is a chance you might find a pink and yellow imp that forms some sort of power imp rangers squad?

Also i never thought about the possibility of ghosts wearing pants or not, I swear I come into these reviews looking for answers but only find myself with yet more questions...
#6
Aidan
what really surprises me is that you've taken all these pictures in alberta and this is the first instance of a cowboy hat
#7
Skinny Penis
Fantastic review! It's a shame I didn't have time to read it though.
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#8
CuteYoshiGirl
Are those your work shoes 👞?

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