#1
Fun With Despair
So, thanks to the Canada Thanksgiving weekend, I was given yet another chance to return to my childhood town, this time in search of something a little better. My last experience being Cimarron Park, I decided to walk in the opposite direction to find another one, hopefully one that isn't as basic as they come.

And, well, I found one.

It's also named Cimarron Park.

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You'll have to forgive the awful quality Google Maps image, I totally forgot to just take one while I was there. Also awful in quality however, is the Okotoks, Alberta town council, for giving two parks the same damn name. You run out of options or something, dickheads? Just give them some arbitrary name to prevent confusion, at the very least.

Looking at this one, you may notice that it actually does have a pretty unique feature, despite the best efforts of the gorillas running the town council to build exclusively awful parks. We'll get to that towards the end though, because I'm probably not gonna be able to compliment more than like one thing after it.

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Instead I'll start with the swings for a change of pace, which really leave me wanting as they really aren't great. Despite what the picture may show, the swing is too close to the ground to actually use if you have legs on the longer side, as they'll catch and drag on the ground every time you get close to it. The chains are a bit too tight as well, which is a weird complaint but it makes the seat kind of uncomfortable. I think you need a balance when it comes to this stuff.

It's important to note too that the floor here is made out of recycled tire, giving it a pleasurable bounce. This is probably the objective best flooring for a playground, if we're being honest, but it's been a while since I've seen it. This is a welcome return.

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To one side, you've got this dumbfuck memewheel, just sitting on a random structure on the ground, serving no purpose in roleplay or really any form of play. Between the wheel and this baseball-themed tic-tac-toe on the bottom is a random tabletop too, also pretty useless unless you're resting a soda there while you're really getting into your meme wheel spinning.

Speaking of the tic-tac-toe, it's not worth commenting on. The baseball theme is a bit odd, but I won't talk shit, because it's competent. Also, there's a free coat and gloves here, if you want them. I don't think they'll fit very well unless you're a turbo manlet like @Draku, but I left them there just in case.

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On the other side, you have these uh, musical instruments I guess. The ones closest to the camera are basically maracas, filled with rocks or something that make a pleasant rattling when you shake them. I like these, simple as they are, I'd probably fuck with them as a kid. Next to them though, sit some bongos that barely make a sound when hit besides the sound of your hand hitting cheap plastic.

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Moving on to the actual playground itself, it's got some pretty standard sets of monkeybars, and this little wheel that you can grab onto and spin around on. I feel like I've talked about one of these before, but they're kind of fun, even if they kind of hurt your arms after a bit.

There's also one of those little tubing ladder things off to the side to climb up if you can't use the monkeybars. It probably doesn't need one though, the platform is not that high up, really. Speaking of which, let's go over there...

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...Oh god fucking dammit

Come on, Blue Imp. I can't believe I'm saying it, but you're better than this. Your other playgrounds weren't great, but at least you weren't pandering to the footfag crowd with your marketing.

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Taking some uncomfortable steps across the uh, feet, will take you to this structure here. It's really just a lead-up to a bridge, with a branching path off towards this copypasted green climbing funnel. I like the design of these usually, so I'll give this a pass despite being lazy Blue Imp fare.

A bit further on is this ominous and shockingly narrow Blue Imp Hallway, which feels like walking the fucking plank as you get close to the slide. But hey, these corkscrew slides are usually pretty good, right?

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Wrong. Hate to disappoint, but it's shit. It's just simply too "wide" and not steep enough. I tried to go down and ended up so stuck in the middle part that I just climbed off. This is probably the first outright bad swirly slide I've seen on this show, which is a bit of a let down. They had a good track record for a bit.

On the way to the slide, there's also this random meme wheel stuck to the side. It's not even worth using in a pretend pirate context, because this wheel has you looking over the rest of the park, because it's at the start. No open seas for you, cap'n, the only view you get is the idiots playing grounders on the other end of the place.

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Across the bridge, there's a small plaza with these two (three?) slides. They're all pathetically small in addition to not being slippery, which just leaves me wondering what the actual point of these are. If you're bringing nothing to the table, don't come to the table. I don't want you there.

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There's also these stairs leading up to it, adorned with the mark of the beast itself. On the plus side though, it means that you don't have to touch the feet in order to get over here in a logical way. I find this comforting and reassuring, really.

On the wall here is also this odd device. Tell me, what do you think this does? Do you think it swirls like a kaleidoscope when you turn the center wheel? If you made that quite logical and natural guess, you would be incorrect though.

Only the middle blue wheel spins.

I did it, gang. I found the worst meme wheel. I can die in peace.

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Underneath the playground is yet another one of Blue Imp's attempts to brainwash children into working in the ice cream industry.

Still rocking the Comic Sans, I see?

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Finally, we get to the REAL sick shit, and the biggest reason I'm ultimately probably going to give this one an okay score despite all my gripes. This sucker is a two-tiered climbing tower, made of some really sturdy feeling rope. Look, I might be biased because I thought this thing was the absolute shit as a kid, but are you telling me this ISN'T a downright incredible place to just hang out? Kids used to play a pretty dangerous "king of the hill" style game in order to take over the top part by climbing up and forcing other people out through acrobatics and trickery, and that was cool as fuck.

Oh yeah, did I mention it spins? Yeah, that's right. Give this thing a push and it just spins around like a merry-go-round. Combined with all the other wacky antics going on, this was pretty much kicking things into chaos mode, and god damn this this was just really cool ok

But, that does pretty much cover it. There's nothing left to touch on now that I've saved the best for last. So, I suppose it's time for...

THE VERDICT: 6/10

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This place drives me to drink, because it's got like one good thing, but that one thing is REALLY REALLY GOOD. To me, this big spinning death pyramid alone is more of an attraction than other playgrounds in their entirety, so I have to give it a score above average. But... at the exact same time, I have to acknowledge one thing: Nearly every last one of these six points comes from that one single structure.

I really have to be honest, the rest of this place is just the bottom of the barrel Blue Imp garbage I've seen everywhere else, but without even good swings or a good slide to actually give the park some kind of fun factor BESIDES the death pyramid. In this regard, I think a 6 is about what it deserves. It has something genuinely great, but that's all it has.

Oh hey, this is the uh, second to last one, isn't it?

Huh.

Well, I guess I have to find one more. I hope it's good at least.
#2
Kright
Death Pyramid looks like it really would be super fun to play on dang

Do you think the foot print stepping stones are modeled off of the feet of “the blue imp” himself?
#3
Draku
why the fuck is the blue imp branding so heavy on this one? their name is on like, goddamn everything, and not like normal branding. that's just weird.

i like the instruments, that's pretty unique. a bit of a novelty, but unique.

that fucking spinning climbing tower rules what the hell? that sounds incredibly unsafe, which is how you know it's fun. super cool idea. i'd agree with you that alone is more interesting than most other parks you've reviewed. damn did the rest of this one suck though. blue imp please.
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#4
Aidan
if the swing is too low i just toss it over the top bar so the chain wraps around
unless that impy fuck made swings that can't wrap?
#5
Fun With Despair
(Oct 17, 2019 at 2:36 PM)Kright Wrote: Do you think the foot print stepping stones are modeled off of the feet of “the blue imp” himself?
Probably not, because they are green and he is blue, but I did not want to think about that either way so delete your comment please.

(Oct 17, 2019 at 4:02 PM)Draku Wrote: why the fuck is the blue imp branding so heavy on this one? their name is on like, goddamn everything, and not like normal branding. that's just weird.
I find their weird branding in general really bizarre. What's the point of advertising your brand on your playgrounds extensively in places where kids are mostly the only ones seeing them? Kids aren't buying Blue Imp shit, playgrounds are expensive.

Hell, most adults aren't buying it either

(Oct 17, 2019 at 5:37 PM)Aidan Wrote: if the swing is too low i just toss it over the top bar so the chain wraps around
unless that impy fuck made swings that can't wrap?
If you look at the top of the chain, it's got this bracket thing holding the chain to the bar, meaning that looping it over will result in it catching and swinging poorly.

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