Reviewing every mainstream dating app

Fun With Despair
I've come to be known for long, pointless reviews of things nobody cares about, and I've also come to be known as Minus World's least eligible bachelor, so it's time to combine my two sources of power and put out some fresh new content for my adoring audience of about five or so people. Namely, I'm going to be reviewing these "dating apps" that have seemingly become all the rage again now that the plague has descended upon us.

But before we start, some guidelines for how this is going to go down:

-These reviews won't be carried out based on results, and I likely won't be trying to actually meet anyone. This is solely to try and determine which of these apps is the best from a usability standpoint if that IS your goal. I will however, be basing at least some of my rating on the userbase, as with these sort of things, it's obviously best if they have a good variety of users with a good variety of interests.

-I will not be reviewing any of the paid features, or even touching them unless they inhibit normal, free use of the app, in which case I will dock points for being the equivalent of pay to win.

-I am only talking about the ones I am actually aware of, so if I missed something and it actually has some kind of substantial population, do feel free to suggest it. No, I will not be reviewing Grindr.

I'll start off in a sec here with the ever-popular Tinder, and then go down the list from there.
Oh boy.
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im glad someone on mw is brave enough to get sexually transmitted covid-19
Skinny Penis
ayy wanna go in togethe my man?
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Fun With Despair

This is... probably the app everyone knows, to be honest. Even if you've never used it, you've heard about it. Supposedly meant mainly for hookups, it's seen a surge of popularity as a general place to meet people in recent years where you'll be gunned down in the streets for saying hello to someone in public spaces.

But is it good? Let's find out.

getting started

When you make a Tinder account, you are tasked with uploading a few pictures of yourself and filling in a short profile. A bit of a far cry from the dating sites of old, with large, sweeping space for your profile and compatibility questions and what not. You can elect to connect your Instagram and Spotify too, but admittedly I could not give two shits about music and my Instagram is just like five pictures of myself in embarrassing video game cosplay, so I have historically elected not to. As for the profile itself, there's about a 50/50 split between people who fill this out and people who don't.

I think it's probably fine to have a profile with no, well, profile if you can actually convey your personality and hobbies through your photos, but in that case, I would be forced to assume that half of Tinder's users have "drinking like a fish" as their main hobby. As for those that do have a profile, it tends to usually just mention that they like dogs and "adventures". I like dogs, even if I don't own one, but "adventure" seems to just be code word for "hiking", and unless you're exploring a sealed tomb, you can miss me with that adventure shit.

I'll get more into the users later though, for now let's talk about...


So, Tinder's UI is relatively friendly and easy to use, points for it there. Basically, when you start up the app, it shows you an image of a person, along with their name, age, and a bit of their profile. You can tap the photo to expand their profile and view their other photos, or you can swipe. Swiping the image left means you aren't interested, and swiping right means that you are. If they also swipe right, you get a "match" and you can message them. If you swipe UP however, it's something called a "super like", which notifies the other person that you liked them.

I like to call this the desperate option, as I can't see anyone actually enjoying the notion of getting super liked. It just seems like something exclusively weirdos would use, but maybe it's actually the most effective thing on the planet, couldn't tell you, wouldn't know.

All of the above swipe options also come in button form, in case you have ham hands and can't stop yourself from swiping in the wrong direction for whatever reason. There's also a button that lets you undo your last swipe, but you have to pay to use it, which is just bananas to me. At the top of the screen, opposite the buttons on the bottom, is a little switch you can tap in order to switch into your Likes and your "Top Picks".

The Likes let you see who liked you, and although you need to pay to view their profile or name or anything besides a blurred out picture, the picture is juuuuust clear enough to make out who it is if you compare as you swipe. I think their algorithm actually tries to strongarm you into paying by actively trying to avoid showing you people who liked you though, because that always seems like it's the case. It's pretty easy to connect the blurred photos to profile pictures on the rare occasion they DO show up, and the app does tell you when you swipe left on someone who liked you, but a large percentage of my "likes" just never came up.

As for the Top Picks, fucking lmao don't bother. Clicking the Top Picks section just takes you to a list of like six of the most forgettable thots you ever did see, sometimes with a word like "Scholar" or "Model" slapped on top of their photo because their profile says they're in community college. At the bottom of this page, it tries to tempt you into buying the premium membership to see MORE Top Picks, but frankly I didn't want to see the ones it showed me first.

There's also a section to send and view messages to and from your matches, and that works about as you'd expect. Barebones, by the numbers messaging system. Functional though. Apparently there is a limit to how many people you can swipe right on per day as well, but seeing as I swiped left on everything except goth chicks who looked like they'd stab me in my sleep for some free hair dye, I never ended up running into it.

Speaking of matches and such though, let's get into the next section.


To the credit of Tinder, it definitely has the widest variety of people on it, which is probably something to look for in an app like this. However, a massive percentage of those people just don't even try with their profiles. Every other person you come across is going to have a blank profile, with like three pictures of them at the bar or something. Those that do have a profile often waste it on repeating the same jokes, or if you're lucky, listing their interests in the most plain list-like format possible.

I sort of want to blame the app for the lack of interesting profiles on it, but simultaneously I wonder if that's why its popular in the first place? Surely it being so low effort that most people just dump their photos on it and swipe away has some kind of effect on that, right? But it definitely sets Tinder up as a place more for "random people" than the "internet people" that traditional dating sites used to attract, for better or worse. This definitely does not mean that there aren't fucking weirdos though.

Unironic pictures of the Suicide Squad Joker bitcrushed to fuck, porn bots, profiles where nearly every profile picture looks like a different human being, and these are the WOMEN, I couldn't imagine browsing the men section, fuck.


Now, I'll state again that the app is originally supposed to be for hookups, and most of the people on it probably reflect that, but... I don't think the profile laziness helps that either? I'm not exactly an expert, but don't you at least want to know someone before you fuck? I mean, imagine going over to someone's house to bang and finding out that they're into diapers or something. I guess that's what the messaging thing is for, but what are you supposed to talk about when they don't have a profile, or if their profile just asks you to "send your best pickup line".

That's probably just my own confusion around the subject talking though.

Honestly though, Tinder isn't the worst you could do. It's not good, and I genuinely think it's ruined online dating as a whole just by existing, but on a strictly objective level, it's functional, easy to navigate, and generally speaking, seems to work for enough people. I've seen worse, and hell, I've probably used worse.

Final Rating: 5/10

Tinder is probably going to be my benchmark for these going forward, as its pretty average in all regards. the fact that it is easy to get started and a clear and simple to use UI give this some points, but its design largely encourages lazy behavior, it possesses useless features like the Top Picks, and it's just not going to get you much unless you literally do not care at all about anything besides getting your dick wet.

If that sounds good to you, then hey, go for it. It's the most popular for a reason. But for me? Eh, it's... fine.
the meet n fuck games really went downhill when they lowered their characterization (some of the characters you can bang don't even have dialogue!) and tried to add microtransactions. this classic series was always free on newgrounds, why should i have to pay now?
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i swipe on literally everyone
it says there's no one around but i know there's literally thousands of horny singles in this town (i regularly receive adverts telling me so) and i assume this is a manipulation on tinder's part
we're paying for the totally-not-upscaled, high-fidelity graphics obviously
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Baby Sans Thanos
* add me
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(Mar 26, 2020 at 7:06 PM)Draku Wrote: the meet n fuck games really went downhill when they lowered their characterization (some of the characters you can bang don't even have dialogue!) and tried to add microtransactions. this classic series was always free on newgrounds, why should i have to pay now?

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btw what was everyone's go to opening move back in the day, i always favored the left forearm rub myself
the dating app meta is truly fucked. virgins™ thought they finally gamed the system by swiping right on everyone with a pulse, only to effectively turn tinder into a buyers market for the ladies™, but once the ladies™ had their pick of the litter, chads™ who also swiped right on everyone now get the opportunity to vet the actual matches they received, turning the tables yet again. everyone's getting fucked but hardly anyone's getting laid
I have personally found good success with the dating app QR Code Scanner. My favourite feature is the "QR Code Scanner," which lets you scan QR codes.
"If Your Plate Doesn't Have Any Beef On It, Send It Back To The Hecking Cafeteria!!!" - OracularRELOADED

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