What a piece of shit etc. etc.

Real fucking stinker this time, guys. Return to Zombie Island, as you probably guessed, really fucking sucks. Many people online say that this film "ruins Zombie Island", but I don't believe that to be the case. Instead, I like to believe that a sequel that goes out of its way to retcon random shit about the original that it didn't need to, random shit that doesn't even serve the plot in said sequel, is in fact only ruining itself, and cannot touch the original in any meaningful way. It exists in a horrible little bubble that festers and rots upon itself.

But really, even if this movie had zero connection to the original film at all, it would still be uniquely terrible, and perhaps one of the worst films in the franchise yet. With a script that feels like it was written by the AI Dungeon app and pretty much zero redeeming qualities, Return to Zombie Island is the cinematic equivalent of a full frontal lobotomy.

Now I won't lie to you, I went into this having heard exclusively bad things about this film. But the opening title sequence did give me a small ray of hope for a minute or so. It's a somewhat dramatically rendered retelling of the original in this style with thick shadows, it's interesting at least, and relatively respectfully reanimated sequences from the Terror Time chase sequence and a few of the spookier segments. Unfortunately, this is all thrown out the window the second the actual movie starts. The gang is hunting down a werewolf in the city, and the script sucks. It sucks so bad. It's like 50% bad puns and we're not even 5 mins into the movie.

They catch the werewolf and the movie immediately transitions into what I can only assume is this film's equivalent of the original's sequence in which they catch all the ghosts. It's set to a terrible pop-sounding song and just has absolutely no soul. That's something important to note about this film in general actually. It feels like every single voice actor in this film has seen Zombie Island and knows that this movie sucks both in comparison and in general. Not a single performance contains the smallest bit of actual effort, and most of the actors sound like they're reading their lines for a fiverr page.

After they do their thing, they talk about how much they love the mystery machine and then Fred wakes up at a table in a diner with the rest of the gang and reveals that he is having dreams about the mystery machine because Mystery Inc. apparently closed up shop and he sold it. Shaggy and Scooby get pissed off that they're used as bait so much and the rest of the gang apologizes and promises to quit solving mysteries forever. Then the town sheriff comes in and tells them that they've "forgotten how to be kids" and tells them to take a vacation. Shaggy and Scooby reference Stage Fright of all movies for some reason and say that they refuse to go to any "theaters with phantoms".

And then the strangest shit yet happens.

Shaggy and Scooby loudly declare that they are going to "watch their favorite show" on the diner TV, and change the TV channel to a movie marathon hosted by "Elvira, Mistress of the Dark", an 80's TV show personality primarily known for her large breasts. This is a reference that absolutely no child on the face of this planet would understand, and it's in a movie that no sane adult would be able to remotely enjoy either. Anyway, she announces that Shaggy has won a tropical vacation, and that he can bring three friends and a pet. He doesn't remember entering this contest, and I don't care.

They head to the "cruise" which is very clearly just... another ferry ride through the swamp with an old ominous guy like in the first movie, but the gang refuses to question it because they promised Shaggy and Scooby "no more mysteries", instead going along with this strange ruse because the duo are enjoying themselves somehow. They get off the ferry and are... greeted? by a pair of "locals" who tell them to get out. They ignore their warnings and continue onto the island, driving in a rental van to the "resort". While in the van, they talk about how they have nothing in common to talk about besides mysteries and how it's awkward now. I don't like this because in every other movie so far the gang clearly has some level of obvious chemistry outside of just solving mysteries. I don't like this movie either though.

When the gang arrives at the "resort", which just resembles the plantation house from the last movie, they painstakingly recap the entire previous movie beat-for-beat while Shaggy and Scooby insist that they don't need to hear it because they were literally there. For some reason this retcon's Daphne's reporting job as well as the group's adult ages in that film, stating that she just worked at the news station as a "summer job" for her high school class. Yeah whatever, fuck you too movie.

The gang theorizes that this is the same island from the first movie and not a tropical resort at all, but Shaggy and Scooby loudly protest that the hotel's sign says "Moonstar Island Resort" and not "Moonscar Island" and use that as evidence that they are in fact on a tropical island and should just focus on the vacation. The gang doesn't protest for some reason and they proceed to the resort. They meet the hotel owner, who is this little fat dude in a hat, and he introduces them to his hotel staff, who eerily resemble the characters from the original.

I... I'm gonna skim over a lot in this one because rather than the investigative, slower burn of Zombie Island, this movie is just shit happening to move the excuse for a plot along. The gang wanders around the hotel that is totally not the house from the last movie and Shaggy and Scooby try to get a massage but end up getting ambushed by zombies. Eventually zombies attack the mansion but the gang sets up traps in a montage and catches the zombies and they're revealed to be the hotel staff. The hotel owner is revealed to be a movie director named "Alan Smithee" (the real-life name used by directors who wish to remain anonymous out of shame, perhaps a silent plea from the poor soul forced to make this movie) who paid Elvira (because he knew for some reason she host Shaggy and Scooby's favorite show) to send them on this trip so that he could replicate the events of the original for his movie.

I'll be charitable here and say that this is a plot that.... could work in a sequel sure. I don't think it's inherently fucked or anything, but the execution here is super contrived and it's not nearly developed enough to work out. The gang is also way too stupid, constantly denying any possible clue that this could be Moonscar Island entirely because they don't want to piss off Shaggy and Scooby and break their "no mystery" promise. Also, why Elvira? What's the point? And... oh yeah. This is only halfway through the movie.

Yep. There's still about 40 minutes of this shit left. After this is all revealed, the gang agrees to just star in this guy's movie anyway, probably because they'd rather be paid. There's like 15 minutes of boring scenes where they film the movie and Velma vows to "solve the mystery of Zombie Island", as she considered the last movie an "unsolved case" as she no doesn't believe in the supernatural despite being exposed to countless supernatural things since Zombie Island even in this canon. Literally all they do in this part is bumble around with the director guy doing movie scenes. Boring as shit, next.

Eventually the movie crew gets attacked by cats. They all run away and the movie filming gets ruined, some cat monsters like the ones from the first movie attack too and Alan Smithee goes insane and burns down the ferry so the gang will be forced to finish the movie despite the danger. The cat monsters chase them all through the bayou and manor in a chase sequence set to some very weird slow paced 70s sounding song about unrequited love that doesn't fit the scene at all and has lyrics related to approximately fuck all (couldn't even remix Terror Time or something? It was right there!), which ends with the cat monsters in the cave from the end of the first movie.

The gang disguises themselves as zombies and attacks the cat creatures, who are so scared that they reveal themselves to be the island greeters and the ferryman who were trying to find Morgan Moonscar's (pirate ghost from the first movie) treasure and were disguised to scare the gang away. Apparently they controlled the cats to attack with a cat whistle, which apparently acts as a brainwashing tool. Velma announces that she solved the mystery of Zombie Island and says the zombies and cat people from the last movie must have also been normal people looking for Moonscar's treasure. This reveals her to be the dumbest character in the entire franchise, and the rest of the characters acknowledge this.

Then, the town sheriff from way earlier shows up, saying that he followed the gang here because he heard about them solving mysteries again even though they promised they'd stop. He admits that he can't stop the gang and tells them to be careful. Fred says they will. The sheriff offers them a lift home. That is the entire movie.

This is a bad one. Like, really bad. Daphne & Velma might actually have more integrity than this movie honestly. Despite being a piece of shit, at least that one was just a shitty girl power movie and not something like... this. This one's a complete abomination, just terrible in so many ways. I can think of hundreds of things I could say about this movie, I could critique how much worse it looks visually than the original, I could talk about how completely dog shit the plot is compared to the original, and I could talk about how it somehow even manages to be less funny than the original, which wasn't even a proper comedy.

But I don' t need to.

Even on its own this movie is a schizophrenic mess. It's entirely too reliant on a movie that it goes out of its way to try and contradict, and references things so old that even the audience for the original wouldn't know what the fuck they're talking about half the time. This movie manages to not only lack a single original thought, but a single good one either. Boring, ugly, poorly written and just generally insulting to the souls of all men, I don't have anything nice to say about this one besides "the opening credits were nice".

I might honestly enjoy this in some respects less than Daphne & Velma, but only because that piece of shit is funny to joke about, while this one is just dreadfully poor in every respect. It's somewhat lighter on the visual color vomit though, and the animation isn't necessarily BAD, just worse than the original on a definite level. Very cheap. It also features the entire gang, and it has zero zoomer cringe, instead relying on... boomer cringe? These two movies are probably equally bad, in very different ways.

Look, if you ever feel like you could really use a prescription for heavy antidepressants, watch this film as soon as possible. I'm giving this one a...

1/10

Ranking:
#1 - Scooby Doo on Zombie Island - 10/10
#2 - Scooby Doo and the Witch's Ghost - 9/10
#3 - Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed - 8/10
#4 - Scooby Doo: Abracadabra-Doo - 7.5/10
#5 - Scooby Doo: Where's My Mummy? - 6/10
#6 - Scooby Doo: Stage Fright - 5.5/10
#7 - Scooby Doo: Shaggy's Showdown - 5/10
#8 - Scooby-Doo and the Monster of Mexico - 4.5/10
#9 - Scoob! - 4/10
#10 - Scooby Doo and WWE: Curse of the Speed Demon - 3/10
#11 - Scooby Doo: The Mystery Begins - 2/10
#12 - Scooby Doo: Return to Zombie Island - 1/10
#13 - Daphne & Velma - 1/10

that sheriff is the most suspicious motherfucker.

what a weird movie. i have to wonder what went into this being made. the film director recreation plot could theoretically work like you said but... what the fuck.

also it's really annoying when something uses some forced plot element to move things along without question, in this case the no mysteries deal. and yeah what the hell? the gang has plenty in common past mysteries, who is this movie fooling?

This post was last modified: Oct 26, 2021 at 9:03 AM by Yrrzy.

damn they literally only retconned out the things people liked

i genuinely have to wonder why they wanted to make a sequel if they clearly hated that people liked the original

the old movie is older than the entire audience of this film. why make this?

Thanks for this review. When I watched it, I was so upset about the retcon stuff I didn't even notice all the other bad things about this movie.

Now I hate it even more.