This post was last modified: Jun 3, 2022 at 1:01 PM by Reeb.

No one asked for this, but I was recently asked to watch Attack of the Clones with a relative and discovered that I, despite seeing Attack of the Clones at least thirty times in my life, still can't remember more than a few scenes of Attack of the Clones. As a result, both for your sake and my own, I will now proceed to summarize Attack of the Clones in a fashion that will be both enlightening for you and reminiscent for me, such that I never need to watch Episode II again for any reason and can tell anyone earnestly that I've seen it so many times I've committed it to paper, or whatever the online equivalent of paper is. Data.

Attack of the Clones: Show

hi padme i have a manbun
hi padme i have a mullet
jedi have no fashion sense
meesa jar jar binks meesa barely talk in this film
oh no there's bugs in my girlfriend's room ew gross
deathsticks
shapeshifter
pew pew pew eugh i'm dead in a cryptic way
planets don't exist
lost a planet master dipshit has
planets do exist
clones of some mandalorian cosplayer
pew pew pew fighting in the rain and it's really awkward
ha ha weird sexual overtones that can't be acted on and it's just getting more awkward please stop
i'm a SENATOR
grr my mom is dead i need to kill children
anakin you killed children
anakin help i walked into an obvious trap with a cliched villain played by a silver fox
why is 3p0 so limber and why can r2 fly
this entire machine looks like it was made to roll skill checks on
oh no we're captured
manspider is here to kill us along with some other less memorable monsters
padme's been superficially cut, it's pretty bad
emergency powers
send in the clones
big laser rave
sam jackson kills a mandaboo
oh no my arm i shouldn't've engaged a master of lightsaber dueling in a manner of combat i was unfamiliar with
a muppet fights dracula
end

Why didn't they just call it the fucking Clone War or something like Obi-Wan says in A New Hope; the clones don't even attack for most of the episode, they invade solely to counteract the Separatists having already lured and kidnapped two Jedi and a sitting Senator.

Fuck I hate Episode II.

geonosis was the best map in battlefront tho

this is the worst prequel movie imo

It's kinda hilarious that they dedicated a giant-budget movie to just setting the war up, and the war itself was depicted in a 3D animated television series

The 2003 cartoon and the 3D-animated replacement were both better than anything in the entire rest of the prequels.

my summary: its not very good

Star Wars prequels are a great case study for an entire studio, cast, and production team being fully sycophantic to a director who was decades out of practice. But the story is genuinely pretty interesting, and if it ever hits the public domain I think it could be turned into something less silly

The prequels gave us the pod racing video game and the trade fed droids so they're cool for that. Not much else tho

The prequels gave us the pod racing video game and the trade fed droids so they're cool for that. Not much else tho

agreed episode I is the only one that should exist with the prequel trilogy.

prequels in general though, rogue 1 is great