This post was last modified: Apr 17, 2019 at 12:31 AM by
pizza delivery man.
It was a cold night, unlike any other in my pizza delivery career. It began with a phone call from a number I recognized all too well.
"Hello, Pizza Hut." I answered. However, it wasn't a voice I recognized. I could barely make out what he was saying. Perhaps it was a poor cell phone signal?
"NEED MANY PIZZAS ... DASANI ... PEPPERONI ... ". I couldn't understand much, but I understood that it was an order. I tell the man that I will bring it right over.
I depart in my 1995 Honda Civic down the stormy road, two pizzas on my passenger's seat. I was unable to oblige his drink order, as we do not carry Dasani or any other Coca-Cola products. I take a turn down the long driveway to the mansion. The windows appear to be boarded up, strange. My last visit to this home was quite different.
I get out of the car and walk to the door. I knock. A short man with a red baseball cap, zebra mask, and no shirt answers. He appears to be injured. Cuts and dried blood cover his chest and arms.
I hold out the boxes to him. "That will be $21.95" I say. The man takes the pizzas and gestures for me to come inside. I follow. The mansion is a terrible state. The walls and floors are damaged, there is garbage spread about, and every surface is covered in dried bodily fluids. I gag from the putrid stench.
A hand grabs my shoulder from behind. I spin around in shock, to find another strange man. He has roughly the same proportions as the red man in front of me, but is unmasked, fully clothed, and dressed in green. His smile and fluffy mustache remind me of my late father.
"Please save dying cousin." the man begs. He reaches down his pants. His eyes widen with hope and delight as he pulls out a suit of green armor. I would recognize that armor anywhere. It was Mjolnir Powered Assault Armor. The red man hands me a scrap of paper. On it is written "BROOKLYN". I ask them what this means.
"Please save dying cousin" they both repeat. Ah, I understand now.
I turn to leave and embark on my new quest, the assault armor in tow when I am stopped by the red man once more.
"Pizza Time" he says. Together we open the first box of pizza. It is then that I notice there is also a Japanese girl with blue hair with us. She takes some pizza from the box as well.
A Japanese man enters the room from downstairs. The red man stands up and walks over to him with a slice of pizza. He rubs it onto the Japanese man, who flees into the dining room.
Another Japanese girl enters the room from downstairs. This one has twin tails and is holding a large pillow that has a photograph of the green man on it. She walks over to the red man and begins to threaten to decapitate the pillow if he does not hand over a cloak. The red man shakes his head and shrugs, then slaps some pizza onto her body. She sits down and joins us.
Somebody wearing a Phoenix mask descends from the main staircase and the red man rubs pizza onto them. They site down and join us. The red man then rubs pizza onto the Japanese girl with blue hair.
At some point a different Japanese man entered, this one with a bowl cut. The red man rubs pizza onto him.
Yet another man enters and the red man rubs pizza onto him. The first box is empty and we begin digging into the second pizza.
One more person enters, wearing a Rat mask. The red man rubs pizza onto them and the Rat mask reaches into his trousers and grabs handfuls of spaghetti. They begin to feed other people in the room. I politely decline, as I have already eaten two slices of pizza.
The Japanese girl with blue hair stands up and begins dancing. She continues her dance off into what I know to be the game room. I used to visit this mansion frequently, catering to the owner's lavish parties.
A man with a Snake mask enters and has pizza rubbed onto him. The man with the Snake mask sits down.
I notice that several people have left. The Japanese man with the bowl cut is off talking with what appears to be a glowing Illuminati symbol.
Another man bursts into the room. He is dressed in a light suit and wearing a tac visor. He is also holding an Energy Sword. I recognize that the Energy Sword is not glowing like it does normally. I squint my eyes and notice that it is sculpted out of some dried white substance. The man with the Energy Sword begins to attack the red man who attempts to rub pizza on him. The suit and visor block the act of friendship and the man with the Energy Sword continues his assault.
Suddenly, two people enter with guns. One is wearing an Eagle mask and the other is wearing a Vulture mask. They begin firing blindly and shouting for everyone to leave. Nobody but me seems to notice. I rush for the entrance and try to leave, but the door appears to be locked. I turn back around to see the man with the Rat mask pull out a butcher knife that is dripping with urine. He teleports behind the man with the Energy Sword and begins to force feed him the spaghetti. I notice that the Japanese man with the bowl cut and the Illuminati symbol are setting up a demonic ritual while gracefully dodging bullets. I jiggle the door handle again but it refuses to open. In my panic I climb into the Mjolnir Powered Assault Armor. It smells strongly of semen but I can feel my muscles energizing.
One of the gunmen begins to set something up in the middle of the room. My muscles continue to energize. Somebody wearing a Racoon mask flees downstairs. My muscles continue to energize. Somebody wearing a Beaver mask is hiding in the corner of the room. My muscles continue to energize. The man in the Rat mask is gone and the man with the Beaver mask escapes upstairs. Everyone is in a panic. The house begins to shake and my muscles continue to energize. The Illuminati symbol is chanting strange words in a language foreign to me. The gunmen try to evacuate the remaining people in the room but the Japanese man with the bowl cut and the Illuminati symbol refuse to leave. My muscles continue to energize. I notice that the Illuminati symbol is actually standing over a pentagram made out of Kool-Aid. The red man and the green man leave downstairs together.
I deliver a strong kick to the front door and it springs open. I rush out of the mansion and the door slams behind me. I remove the Mjolnir Powered Assault Armor and climb into my 1995 Honda Civic and get out of there. I remember the note and my quest. I punch "BROOKLYN" into my GPS and set out on a drive to find the cousin of the red and green man.
