what the fuck

"Ask if you can have your beans back. Or at least share them and take a seat, lowering your weapon."
You wait in silence for his answer for a good few minutes when finally he croaks out, "Sure, sit down." Now wanting to be rude you do so, but it still feels really weird with this thing just... being here and doing all of this. And the way it's being so nonchalant is unnerving as well.
Sitting down across from him you get a better look at his ugly, boney, pruney face with one weird blue eye and it is even more nasty than you imagined. Almost nasty enough that you want to shove the nearest poisonous plant down his throat with those beans. But not quite. It takes the cooked beans and pours some into a bowl, and then another bowl. Handing you the later he takes the first and is preparing to eat.

Vote
React for "He's a stranger, tresspassing, and EATING MY BEANS! Give him a swift attack before he comes up with a plan or attacks first or something."
React for "Shout the first thing you think of loudly to wake everyone up. Fyyr said it won't likely reach inside the hut, but your friends ARE right there."
React for "Maybe just let him eat the beans and he'll leave so I never have to worry about this prune baby with a blue eye."
React for "Continue to keep this... interaction going and buy more time for something to happen. Maybe before or after the beans are finished?"

he's done nothing wrong and accepted the peace treaty declaration, let's just see him off

imagine being a bean cuck

This post was last modified: Jun 19, 2020 at 2:07 PM by Snufferin Snagglepuss.

"Maybe just let him eat the beans and he'll leave so I never have to worry about this prune baby with a blue eye."
Like a true bean cuck you let the thing eat your previous beans. At least he gave you some, so you nosh on it yourself. It's some awkward silence but the two of you just quietly eat. By the time you finish your beans you're feeling mildly filled so at least you've got that. But when you look over to him he's already finish the beans and is now EATING YOUR BEEF JERKY! God dammit! Do you have any idea how expensive that stuff is? It's like, 30 dollars for 5 pieces! And that's for the cheap stuff too. God they need to fix the price of beef jerky, it's so good to eat while just relaxing and fills you up faster than you'd think. Or at least make the bags bigger, 30$ could work if you actually gave us a good amount of beef jerky right? Hold up, the whole time you've been internally monologing he's been eating your jerky. No one said he'd leave, you just kind of assumed that he'd leave when he was done, but when is done? What's the next step Cucky?

Vote
React for "He's a stranger, tresspassing, and ATE MY BEANS! Give him a swift attack before he comes up with a plan or attacks first or something."
React for "Shout the first thing you think of loudly to wake everyone up. Fyyr said it won't likely reach inside the hut, but your friends ARE right there."
React for "Maybe just let him eat the jerky (and other foods) and he'll leave so I never have to worry about this prune baby with a blue eye."
React for "Rant to him about your inner monologue of the atrocity of jerky prices. Worst case scenario he's a jerky baron and throws you in a dungeon, best case scenario he agrees and your boisterous conversation rouses your partners."

What a turn of events.

"He's a stranger, trespassing, and ATE MY BEANS! Give him a swift attack before he comes up with a plan or attacks first or something."
Raising your weapon back at this thing you prepare to attack, for vengeance, safety of mind, and your lost beans. The stranger makes no motion to defend himself and continues to begin his munching into your jerky. NOT ON YOUR WATCH! With a broad sweep of your glaive you slice the figure in two from across the campfire. The top piece of it falls backwards with a thud and the bottom half crumples forward. You swear you hear some sound like gas escaping or a ghostly whisper, something in between. But the figure is done and all that remains are some gross feet(ios) and an empty cloak. A bit strange, you might suspect this was some sort of spirit had it not left a corporeal bottom half. Interesting.
The rest of the morning progresses uneventfully and by the time your companions have awoken you have cooked them a beanless breakfast. Imoleto cries a little bit for not getting to have beans but what can you do now. With the group fed and rested you share your morning encounter with them until the Alchemy duo finally leave their hut, shrinking it down with a poof and putting it inside a bag. Sheesh, show offs. Well, let's keep going.

The trip progresses rather smoothly, no random encounters, no perilous terrain, and no in-party bickering. Although, you do seem to be having some minor auditory hallucinations. A whisper here, a strange sound there, but only you ever seem to hear it. It never gets closer and it always is just loud enough to barely be heard. Making a mental note to look into it on your low priority list you keep it to yourself, not sure what the others could do anyways. Maybe you'll get used to it.
You've hit the 3/4's mark of your travel when you hit a major problem. Only a few hours of entering partially unexplored dangerous terrain are you set upon by strange sounds. At first you write it off as your hallucinations but you realize that your group is hearing it too. And not only that, but the alchemists are missing! Everyone seems to be in a daze and just walking slowly off course. You're unsure how long this had been going on as you were spaced out yourself but something is clearly amiss. Desp seems his usually insane self but his eyes lack the signature crazy luster, Imoleto has a peaceful look on her face as if she is just about to fall asleep, and E-Kyl is very freakishly wide eyed as if he's getting dopamine injected straight into soul. In fact he seems to be putting in a faster pace than the others. Trying to keep everyone together the sound becomes more clear as... singing? What is it that's being sung though? This isn't siren territory (since it's landlocked) and other monsters don't sing this... 'humanly'. One way or another, trouble is brewing. Attempts to pull your friends in another direction aren't working and plugging their ears seems too late to be effective. You've only got time for a few more choices as the singing draws nearer... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tmWQiLixGOI

Vote
React for "If I've learned one solution from being cucked out of my beans by repeatedly being a pussy it's to tackle things head on without any hesistation. I'll charge these singing things and take them down before my charmed friends fall prey to their wiles!"
React for "Maybe I can make a really loud sound to rouse them from their stupor and get us a chance to escape?"
React for "Ok, pretend to tbe enthralled with them, and then when I get close enough I'll try to jump them with surprise and take them out before they do anything to the group."
React for "The glaive is... trembling? I don't know if it's me shaking or if it is trying to tell me something, but if I waste any more time on trying to investigate things my friends will be in danger!"

THE MAGICAL GLAIVE IS SPEAKING TO US

only it can remove snow halation

"The glaive is... trembling? I don't know if it's me shaking or if it is trying to tell me something, but if I waste any more time on trying to investigate things my friends will be in danger!"
Taking the glaive in hand you can confirm it is indeed shaking and it wasn't your nerves. The fatal march of your friends continues forward leaving you behind as you struggle to think of what to do next. "Uh, G-go!" You shout at your glaive, hoping it will activate or something. "Attack! Charge! Prism Release!" Nothing is working. Time is being wasted and there's really no time for that. Running back up to your friends you consider your options once mo- wait now it's trembling more? It's seriously trying to tell you something but it is so god damn frustrating! Why does everything have to be some vague fucking riddle!? Inspecting the glaive one last time you notice that there are some strange indents and small holes on the blade as well as some running up the top half of the handle. What could that mean though? Your brain hurts as you try to consider what this difference could mean in some scope of glaives.
Wind?
The wind from earlier comes to mind. A gentle breeze that carried a light whisper and a soft hum. Is it possible that wasn't the stranger, but your glaive instead? You give your glaive a broad swing and strain your ears. Sure enough there's a strange hum as the aerodynamics of the weapon bend and pass through the air with it's indents and holes. A melodic weapon or something perhaps? Well there's no time for testing you only have time for one action and it's clear that sticking with the glaive is the best bet.
Channeling your inner jedi warrior you start spinning around the pole arm like a crazed fan with a mic stand. It's not easy but you're starting to get it slowly, and the longer you spin it the faster it goes generating a louder hum. Sometimes it sounds like it's gasping at air as it makes strange vibrations. With your friends nearing their defeat you scream and spin with all your might, releasing whatever sounds are trapped inside the glaive, pitch changing with each different spin. https://youtu.be/1ER67r8OCW8?t=57
If this was something like a spirit animal you might be embarrassed, but for now this is just what you need to defeat the Snow Halation. With one last defiant sweep you twirl the wind to send your 'music' at the idols in a furious whirlwind, drowning out their melody of death and purging your friends of their impure and corrupted thoughts. The idols one by one get picked up by the torrential gusts and are blown away. The effect is immediate for Imoleto who panics upon realizing she doesn't know where she is. She spots you in her frantic worrying and comes running over to hide. Desp himself is just standing there slightly trembling. E-Kyl seems to have let out a sigh big enough to deflate a little bit but he comes walking over and says "I prefer the other idols anyways." Weird thing to say when you were just about to die for it but ok. You give Desp some time but he still hasn't moved. Since the threat has been solved you approach him to investigate. As you approach you begin to hear some sniffling and notice that he's doing a not so good job of holding back tears. Awkward. You've got no idea what to say or what is even wrong to be fair. Standing their in silence he final breaks it with "Girl... Friend." You feel all of your sympathy leave at once. He nearly died and he's bawling his eyes out like a funeral because he just watched his 'chance' at getting a girl friend be gone with the wind. Why is this guy here again anyways?

Investigating the scene turns out rather boring, apparently Idols are not the type to hoard treasure and there's no bodies to loot since they got blown away. But it's not loot you are interested in right now, where are those damn alchemists? You could make the end of the journey on your own but the last time you saw them was this morning before you started spacing out. Well, at least you have time to think now.

Vote
React for "Imoleto, if we go back to where we last saw them do you think you could follow their tracks? Not like you're a bloodhound or anything, but perhaps their tracks from this morning are still there?"
React for "Let's keep going to the dungeon. We're close enough and it's possible they simply got ahead of us and are still waiting there. They did seem quite proficient after all."
React for "Let's investigate in a larger area around where you guys got charmed. Perhaps there's signs of something around there since it looks like they were gone before the singing."
React for "Swing the blade around some more and see if it's magical enough to be able to answer questions like this. You already doubt it but there shouldn't be any harm in just toying around with this, right?"

what the hell is happening

what the hell is happening

I don't know, I only read the choices.

looks like we know who the real cuck here is

"Imoleto, if we go back to where we last saw them do you think you could follow their tracks? Not like you're a bloodhound or anything, but perhaps their tracks from this morning are still there?"
"Well, I'm not a dog but I can try." She states as you all head back. It's a fair distance back to where you started and you have to burn a good chunk of hours to get there. Fortunately, it is easy enough for everyone to find both sets of tracks, yours and theirs. Following along you find the divergence not far after. It would indeed appear that they simply went a different way as you were spacing out. Telling Imoleto to take the lead she keeps tabs on the tracks while you keep an eye out. They seem to wander around for the most part, but Imoleto points out that there are various spots that show signs of them pacing about the area. Searching or something of the like. And it is all in areas where there's stuff around, like foliage, roaming small animals, a few monsters (which you hide from), etc. They must take their job quite seriously to be doing this much work even before the dungeon. Also this makes sense why they'd want to split up for the trip here mostly, for opportunities like this. Perhaps you've gotten a little insight into their group.
It's getting dark by the time you get to the end of the tracks and sure enough, they're waiting outside the dungeon. It's an ominous portal, gaping wide with an insidious promise that those who enter won't leave easily. Putting that aside for now however, it'd be wise to let the duo know you're here.
Knocking on the door they quickly answer. "Where were you? We were getting worried!" Says Reva "Yeah, worried that you were already dead!" adds Fyyr. It hits a little close to home but you tell them about what happened and how you spent a lot of time following their tracks to make sure they didn't get into any trouble. You even detail out all the gathering locations and fight scenarios you tracked them through. "Wow, sounds like you were trying to look out for us. I appreciate that." starts Reva. "You know, I feel like because of the nature of this trip, we really weren't able to establish the camaraderie we'll need for this dive." She turns to Fyyr and whispers something. The guard then walks off in a slight huff and Reva turns her attention back to you guys. "Why not spend this night with us? A bit of reconciliation for being worried about us?" as she gestures with an open arm to come in. Not wanting to be rude you take her up on it.
The inside is small but still much larger than it looks on the outside. With three rooms there's enough for their alchemy equipment and a bed, a kitchen and dining room, and misc items like a bookcase and storage. Taking a seat in the second room the night soon turns merry as you share stories, learn a little bit about each other, and have an all around good time. It might be nice to hear some of that information but unfortunately you got a bit TOO into spending quality time with the opposite gender and ended up partying into a stupor, leaving a hazy memory of the night. Given some time it might clear up so you can recall just what it was you heard this night. Hopefully there was nothing important...
The next morning, skipping the necessary preparations, both parties are prepared to tackle this final dungeon. but right out of the gate you are met with a choice. Beyond this initial passage way is a fork into three other paths; Gold, Silver, and Bronze. No riddles, no clues. One is certainly right and the other two are probably just extra trouble that might let you backtrack after dealing with their trap.

Vote
React for "Gold."
React for "Silver."
React for "Bronze."
React for "Split up and let everyone pick their path of preference, then try to meet up back here in an hour or two."

lugia

"Gold."
"I mean, we're here for gold and glory right? There's got to be good karma down this path." Seems like a solid idea to you, until Reva reminds you, "Actually we're hear for ingredients, gold is secondary." Right. Well you still want to go with your gut so you direct everyone down gold. The path is lustrous and bright, but almost oppressively so, as if the expectations of hundreds are weighing down on you to not sully this grand gold path.
It's not far until you hit what seems to be a dead end. A wall of solid gold brick stands in front of you. Did you perhaps pick the wrong path? So much for going with your gut. As you think to yourself Reva speaks up. "Upon closer inspection, this isn't normal gilding. It might look like gold, but it seems to be a cover made by the rarest ingredients of all, self loathing, envy, and sarcasm." ... So like regular gold then? Everyone you met that had gold was either a sarcastic, self loathing, or envious fuck... Well actually you haven't met anyone like that but it's what you assume. "Give us a moment to scrape some samples off the walls. We won't take long, there's likely more later of better quality, but it doesn't hurt to be safe." Sounds good. You've got a bit of free time. E-Kyl helps the duo with his electricity powers for some 'electrolysis' that apparently helps peel the gold off and desp is busy trying to use a dagger to wedge out bricks and stuff into his pockets. Imoleto is on stand by, her claws aren't quite made for digging through this material nor fleecing it.

Vote
React for "We've got time, I'm going to double back and travel the same distance we did just now down the silver hall and see if it's also a dead end."
React for "We've got time, I'm going to double back and travel the same distance we did just now down the bronze hall and see if it's also a dead end."
React for "I'm not sure if this is a dead end yet. I could look around for hidden mechanisms or some sort of secret that... well... opens the way."
React for "Why not spend some quality time with Imoleto. Now that I think about it, I don't really know much about her, do I?"

Hidden mechanism attempts I guess. I would think we'd be able to converse with Imoleto during that time but what do I know?

"I'm not sure if this is a dead end yet. I could look around for hidden mechanisms or some sort of secret that... well... opens the way."
Not sure where to start you just decide to feel around some of the bricks on the wall. Push down a little bit on some steps. Maybe look at the roof some? Uh, what do hidden mechanisms even look like? You look downright silly yourself trying to search around for who knows what hidden who knows where. Well hey, you can't win them all and at least you can be certain there are no hidden mechanisms that beginners could find. Or you can ignore that optimism and admit you wasted your time.
Everyone's just about finished, except Desp who can't seem to get loose a brick for his pocket. Well he had a fair chance to get one so it's time to move on. This path wasn't a total loss and strangely enough, it seems like it didn't have any traps. I guess the pursuit for Schredit gold can be fruitful, albeit time wasting and unfulfilling on a personal level. Or at least, that's what you keep telling yourself. Eventually you backtrack back to the branching pathways. Time to choose a new path.

Vote
React for "Silver"
React for "Bronze"
React for "Wait no, let's go back to gold. I swear there's something there. Please trust me, I just lowed roll on perception this time. (Or just want more gold)."
React for "Split up in two groups to cover the paths identically and come back in an hour with a report for everyone to save time."

brawns

"Bronze"
Humble beginnings am I right? You all head down the bronze path, which is noticeably more dim than the gold path, and follow all the twists and turns that the path has. It's rugged but not too long as you find yourself in a somewhat broad room. A man stands at the center. He has his arms folded in triumph as if he's either just beaten some world record, is extremely confident, or really really full of himself.
"HELLO!" he shouts to everyone as you enter the room. He climbs atop a pedestal and poses triumphantly. "You have entered the /room of dumb jokes! Now respond to my joke or I report you!"
No one has any idea what's going on and you all just glance at each other. A few of you shrug and Desp is already reaching for a knife to eviscerate the guy, which you stop.
"What! Is black, BLUE! and READ all over!" he snorts as if he just solved world hunger. Problem is, he doesn't realize that this joke doesn't translate well when you can actually see the words he says. Funny that meta knowledge. Being the leader it falls to you to take action.

Vote
React for "A Newspaper"
React for "A sunburnt Penguin"
React for "Ok I changed my mind, let Desp shank the fuck."
React for "Wow! Haha! Funny joke! Here take this schreddit gold! *Hand him some gold*"

This post was last modified: Jul 9, 2020 at 1:30 PM by Snufferin Snagglepuss.

WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND IS ABOUT TO SHOW YOU THE DEFINITION OF PAIN
Is that a short joke?