Gehahaha! Listen up, shrimplings, because the Devil himself is ready to give his testimony! And lemme tell ya, what a fantastic start to this here tournament!
First up! I left my room at the same time as that scantily clad and oddly arousing outlaw Ram Ranch, with Demopan, Secret Agent, and Rubber Duck outside as well. As I’m makin’ my way to the Costume Room entrance, I come across a sight to behold! There was Lucifer, ridin’ a mean hog and tryin’ ta make Goose into a fine roadkill sandwich! Ha, I’m lovin’ it! These contestants sure know how to build up a showy conflict!
Kojima, The Big Rat (amazing puppet work!), and I all pass Dave Saint Dider, who was carrying a suspicious bucket and even more suspicious art supplies, in the Costume Room, where Kojima ultimately stays. The giant vermin and I head into the Art Room, along with….Stuart Little? That little mice person from that movie my darlin’ Videl was obsessed with? Man, must’ve been the smallest anim’tronic I’d ever seen! Production values are insane, here! Anyway, I get fixin’ to a fancy Japanese banner to make my tournament pop. Meanwhile, Mr. Little works on his own Lil’ project and heads downstairs, with the corn-fed rat doing it ‘round the same time with some duct tape and cardboard. Headin’ out the North Entrance, I meet up with Flotzo and we go into the Kitchen together…which a stampede ran through, ‘parently! The good colonel was already trying to get it back into good condition, and I joined him, having a mighty fine good talk with him about the tournament. Flotzo, though, was a lazy bum and simply left after grabbin’ a drink and lemon. Eventually, while Sanders started preparin’ what he described to me as “bourbon chicken”, I made some delectable ramen for me to have with the winner as a nice victory celebration! Well, truth be told, you can get rather rusty after having cooks make food for you for the last 20 years, but dang gum it, I put my heart and soul into it!
Feeling mighty satisfied, I go ahead to the Dining Room, passing by Struttin’ Stu in the hall on the way, and place my ramen down for later. I feel a tap on my shoulder as I open the closet, which just turns out to be Sanders offerin’ me a taste of his chicken. And what do ya know, it was fantastic! While he goes into the Laundry Room, I grab meself a roll of tape for the banner and head outside. Immediately, that goose flies past me at supersonic speeds! Why, I’m no betting man (never mind what the state of Nevada might lead ya to believe), but I’d put money on him leaving that blonde-haired orange hillbilly in the dust! Oh, and there was some huge wooden tortoise prancing around, with someone inside it making weird tortoise noises. Almost kinda sad. I set up my banner, and I turned around to see lots of pumped up faces in the audience! Kright, Secret Agent, the giant rat, Stuart Little….wew, it fills my heart with steamin’ hot joy to know even reality show stars appreciate a quality fight! All to see the first! Annual! SATAAAAAANMANIA!
And now, for the contestants!
First, we have Demopan, the Red Team’s most vicious bomber! He came onto the ring like a knight in shinin’ armor, carrying an ol’ reliable frying pan and a spiky-looking wooden shield! Defense in both hands, gotta appreciate that!
In the other corner, we got Hideo Kojima, the man who needed his own studio to contain his masterpieces! Looks like he’s about to go all Rambo on Demopan, showin’ off a headband and one greasy six-pack son of a bitch! Let’s see if he’s as good at defusin’ explosives as his own pride and joy!
They look each other dead in the eye, their minds focused solely on beatin’ each other to a mushy pulp…..and they’re off!!
Demopan puts some distance between him and Kojima by throwing some boiling hot oil onto the floor with his trusty frying pan! Ooooo, looks like Kojima doesn’t have many options with approachin’ him! What little openings there are, Demopan will be there waitin’, like an IRS agent waiting for his prey at his front door! It looks like he’s goin’ to jump over the splash, and….What the?! What’s Goose doing here?! Ow, stop throwing jewels at me and honkin’ everywhere! What are ya, my ex-wife? Finally off the stage, sheesh! And where was I-
Oh snap, looks like Demopan fired off a smoke grenade! Wait…no, that’s a fog machine. Aaaand now some hoodlum in Halloween horns is kneeling on the stage, sure, why not. I guess he’s mumbling some edgy garbage about villains and society and whatnot….oh no, he’s got a samurai sword! And now he’s lunging straight at Kojima! If only those rock-hard abs can deflect sharpened steel!...Wait, never mind, the vigilante slipped on the oil puddle. Really need to put an electric fence ‘round the ring…..
And now, back to the match! Demopan readies his pan, and makes a clean hit on Kojima’s forehead! He’s….down for the count? That’s it? The viewers at home aren’t gonna be happy with the extra adtime. But whatever! The first winner of Satanmania 2020 is DEMOPAN! Saint Dider tries entering the Stage to talk something about Kitkat bars, but I was already taking Demopan off the stage. Sadly, other plans kept him from havin’ ramen with me, meaning my hard work is gonna go cold. Aw, phooey.
The Giant Rat, the fiend that he is and always will be, takes advantage of Kojima’s nonconsciousness by draggin’ him out to the Main Hall, with me, Agent A, Dave, and some totally regular guy followin’. Actually, that guy’s more than totally regular, because he’s smart enough to recognize when there’s a true legend in his presence! But before I could sign his autograph, something, or someONE, flies down from the ceiling! It was a flaming corpse, looked like that Stu guy I passed earlier! Crazy how realistic that dummy looked, somethin’ tells me this special effects team needs a raise from yours truly!
That rat, though, must’ve had a weak composition, because he clucked out like a chicken with Kojima, while me and the others tried putting out the flamin’ cadaver prop. Though, uh….did y’all get a script but me? Not sure why everyone was so panicked and freaked out when Stu’s perfectly alive! Heck, he’s probably laughing it up backstage right about now! The normal guy and Dave head outside to compose themselves, while I enter the Dinin’ Room with the Agent. Some guy named Drei was in there, panhandlin’ me for change. I tried ta tell him I gave the last of my good deeds to that average person back in the Main Hall, but he still wouldn’t budge. Trying to find a way out, I immediately spotted my ramen and chowed down! It was lukewarm at best, but it was a damn good lukewarm excuse.
I head out the hall with Drei, passing by the Colonel offerin’ me another sample. No thanks, my guy, took in enough carbs for the day! While Drei enters his room, I walk towards Lucifer’s to try ‘n get an interview before her big match. When she opened the door, though, she told me in no uncertain terms to….things that would get me banned from live television. B-But hey, there’s still Goose! Until I remembered that he’s just a goose, and he simply honked at me. Make up your own thrillin’ narrative at home, kids. Finally, I do some intensive training in the Garden, and I finally grab a good night’s sleep. Be sure to tune in next week for our next match, Lucifer vs. Goose! Oooooh man, my nipples are gettin’ hard, already!