Gehahaha! Listen up, shrimplings, because the Devil himself is ready to give his testimony! And lemme tell ya, what a fantastic start to this here tournament!
First up! I left my room at the same time as that scantily clad and oddly arousing outlaw Ram Ranch, with Demopan, Secret Agent, and Rubber Duck outside as well. As Iām makinā my way to the Costume Room entrance, I come across a sight to behold! There was Lucifer, ridinā a mean hog and tryinā ta make Goose into a fine roadkill sandwich! Ha, Iām lovinā it! These contestants sure know how to build up a showy conflict!
Kojima, The Big Rat (amazing puppet work!), and I all pass Dave Saint Dider, who was carrying a suspicious bucket and even more suspicious art supplies, in the Costume Room, where Kojima ultimately stays. The giant vermin and I head into the Art Room, along withā¦.Stuart Little? That little mice person from that movie my darlinā Videl was obsessed with? Man, mustāve been the smallest animātronic Iād ever seen! Production values are insane, here! Anyway, I get fixinā to a fancy Japanese banner to make my tournament pop. Meanwhile, Mr. Little works on his own Lilā project and heads downstairs, with the corn-fed rat doing it āround the same time with some duct tape and cardboard. Headinā out the North Entrance, I meet up with Flotzo and we go into the Kitchen togetherā¦which a stampede ran through, āparently! The good colonel was already trying to get it back into good condition, and I joined him, having a mighty fine good talk with him about the tournament. Flotzo, though, was a lazy bum and simply left after grabbinā a drink and lemon. Eventually, while Sanders started preparinā what he described to me as ābourbon chickenā, I made some delectable ramen for me to have with the winner as a nice victory celebration! Well, truth be told, you can get rather rusty after having cooks make food for you for the last 20 years, but dang gum it, I put my heart and soul into it!
Feeling mighty satisfied, I go ahead to the Dining Room, passing by Struttinā Stu in the hall on the way, and place my ramen down for later. I feel a tap on my shoulder as I open the closet, which just turns out to be Sanders offerinā me a taste of his chicken. And what do ya know, it was fantastic! While he goes into the Laundry Room, I grab meself a roll of tape for the banner and head outside. Immediately, that goose flies past me at supersonic speeds! Why, Iām no betting man (never mind what the state of Nevada might lead ya to believe), but Iād put money on him leaving that blonde-haired orange hillbilly in the dust! Oh, and there was some huge wooden tortoise prancing around, with someone inside it making weird tortoise noises. Almost kinda sad. I set up my banner, and I turned around to see lots of pumped up faces in the audience! Kright, Secret Agent, the giant rat, Stuart Littleā¦.wew, it fills my heart with steaminā hot joy to know even reality show stars appreciate a quality fight! All to see the first! Annual! SATAAAAAANMANIA!
And now, for the contestants!
First, we have Demopan, the Red Teamās most vicious bomber! He came onto the ring like a knight in shininā armor, carrying an olā reliable frying pan and a spiky-looking wooden shield! Defense in both hands, gotta appreciate that!
In the other corner, we got Hideo Kojima, the man who needed his own studio to contain his masterpieces! Looks like heās about to go all Rambo on Demopan, showinā off a headband and one greasy six-pack son of a bitch! Letās see if heās as good at defusinā explosives as his own pride and joy!
They look each other dead in the eye, their minds focused solely on beatinā each other to a mushy pulpā¦..and theyāre off!!
Demopan puts some distance between him and Kojima by throwing some boiling hot oil onto the floor with his trusty frying pan! Ooooo, looks like Kojima doesnāt have many options with approachinā him! What little openings there are, Demopan will be there waitinā, like an IRS agent waiting for his prey at his front door! It looks like heās goinā to jump over the splash, andā¦.What the?! Whatās Goose doing here?! Ow, stop throwing jewels at me and honkinā everywhere! What are ya, my ex-wife? Finally off the stage, sheesh! And where was I-
Oh snap, looks like Demopan fired off a smoke grenade! Waitā¦no, thatās a fog machine. Aaaand now some hoodlum in Halloween horns is kneeling on the stage, sure, why not. I guess heās mumbling some edgy garbage about villains and society and whatnotā¦.oh no, heās got a samurai sword! And now heās lunging straight at Kojima! If only those rock-hard abs can deflect sharpened steel!...Wait, never mind, the vigilante slipped on the oil puddle. Really need to put an electric fence āround the ringā¦..
And now, back to the match! Demopan readies his pan, and makes a clean hit on Kojimaās forehead! Heāsā¦.down for the count? Thatās it? The viewers at home arenāt gonna be happy with the extra adtime. But whatever! The first winner of Satanmania 2020 is DEMOPAN! Saint Dider tries entering the Stage to talk something about Kitkat bars, but I was already taking Demopan off the stage. Sadly, other plans kept him from havinā ramen with me, meaning my hard work is gonna go cold. Aw, phooey.
The Giant Rat, the fiend that he is and always will be, takes advantage of Kojimaās nonconsciousness by dragginā him out to the Main Hall, with me, Agent A, Dave, and some totally regular guy followinā. Actually, that guyās more than totally regular, because heās smart enough to recognize when thereās a true legend in his presence! But before I could sign his autograph, something, or someONE, flies down from the ceiling! It was a flaming corpse, looked like that Stu guy I passed earlier! Crazy how realistic that dummy looked, somethinā tells me this special effects team needs a raise from yours truly!
That rat, though, mustāve had a weak composition, because he clucked out like a chicken with Kojima, while me and the others tried putting out the flaminā cadaver prop. Though, uhā¦.did yāall get a script but me? Not sure why everyone was so panicked and freaked out when Stuās perfectly alive! Heck, heās probably laughing it up backstage right about now! The normal guy and Dave head outside to compose themselves, while I enter the Dininā Room with the Agent. Some guy named Drei was in there, panhandlinā me for change. I tried ta tell him I gave the last of my good deeds to that average person back in the Main Hall, but he still wouldnāt budge. Trying to find a way out, I immediately spotted my ramen and chowed down! It was lukewarm at best, but it was a damn good lukewarm excuse.
I head out the hall with Drei, passing by the Colonel offerinā me another sample. No thanks, my guy, took in enough carbs for the day! While Drei enters his room, I walk towards Luciferās to try ān get an interview before her big match. When she opened the door, though, she told me in no uncertain terms toā¦.things that would get me banned from live television. B-But hey, thereās still Goose! Until I remembered that heās just a goose, and he simply honked at me. Make up your own thrillinā narrative at home, kids. Finally, I do some intensive training in the Garden, and I finally grab a good nightās sleep. Be sure to tune in next week for our next match, Lucifer vs. Goose! Oooooh man, my nipples are gettinā hard, already!