"Mark had seen a video game before. But he had never seen a video game that could move on its own - let alone piss everywhere. And it pissed everywhere. He screamed until his eyes popped out and then he pissed everywhere too."
- Garth Marenghi, Video Shame
Greetings, chums. Glad to see we all made it through the night alive - well, apart from the intern. Shame, but, if you don't mind me saying, very easy to hire a new one.
You may have noticed me engaging in a bit of method acting last night. Back in the 80s, when I wrote, directed and starred in
Garth Marenghi's Darkplace, I never let myself break character. Even if I was sick, or on a lunch break, or in one case taken to an actual, real hospital for dangerous levels of poison fog inhalation. Which turned out to be any levels of poisonous fog inhalation. Either way, I've decided to make use of the cirumstances, and continue filming new episodes of
Darkplace here. Unfortunately, none of the other cast members were able to join me here, or have been missing presumed dead for over thirty years.
So, to keep it short, I spent most of last night in-character as
Dr. Rick Dagless, M.D., my character from
Darkplace, so hopefully this explains away any grievances you may have with me.
Upon waking up, I started to film a monologue in my room, explaining most of what I've told you above. Unfortunately, DARK SOULS II bursts into my room uninvited, steals a shirt, pisses on the floor and leaves. That, if you ask me, is rude. The shirt I can handle - it's not as important as, say, a pair of trousers - but the piss completely ruined the atmosphere, so I depart.
I head to the lobby (via the elevator) and pass by the NURSES, then make my way to the patio, where I film the rest of my monologue undisturbed. Following this, I take a trip to the media library, grab a few novels that look interesting, and head to the gift shop. Nice Garth Marenghi section, by the way. I grab a lab coat and do a few character exercises.
Following this, I decide to head to the lounge for a smoke. I pass by DR. HAWKE and DR. WEXLYN, who seem to be having an intense chinwag about some rival TV programme,
GhostQuest. I haven't heard of it, personally. I've seen
Ghostwatch, though. Bit too pedestrian for my tastes, and I felt seeing Craig Charles in a horror film broke the immersion.
Anyway, I return to the tour in the lobby, noticing MISTY join the group and DK WEST pulling a NURSE aside for a chat. As the tour begins, I introduce myself to the group as Dr. Rick Dagless, M.D. and start to explain the symbolism behind the decoration in the lobby, the big skeleton statue, symbolising... death. And balance, with the angel statue nearby, though also death. But out of nowhere, a CHILDREN'S TELEVISION PRESENTER - possibly with CBeebies - pushes me aside and starts spouting off about something. I try to settle the score with her, when all of a sudden-
CRASH!!
The noise comes from the cable car station. Out of nowhere, a glowing pair of eyes appear, and things go haywire. Eventually I manage to regroup the tour outside the equipment storage, apart from LITA who seems preoccupied in the history hall. We continue on to the courtyard, where I use the cable car incident to describe the ephemeral nature of life, and also why children's TV is a steaming pile of shit. In the courtyard, we spot HANK HILL blowing snow into the river, and continue through the glass hallway into the media library, spotting PROFESSIONAL ROBUSTER thumbing through the CDs. I can recommend some audiobooks, if you'd like.
Slicer - The Audiobook, for instance - read half by me and half by my publisher, Dean Learner.
We return downstairs via the lobby elevator and find DEATHBORN and THE DRIFTER in the VR room. In the laboratory, OBAMA MACHINE chats to one of the nurses and JACK OF SPADES exits the tour. In the surgery wing, an empty crate appears out of nowhere. Spooky. We also encounter VIOLENT JIMIN, who gets decked by the SENPAI for shitting himself in some bizarre flirting ritual. The KIDS TV HOST finally leaves to check on JIMIN, allowing me full control of the tour as we get to the surgery room. I begin to describe a bonesaw in detail, but FAUST spoils the fun. Also, I should mention, HU TAO chats to the nurses and the TV HOST returns shortly after.
Back outside, the tour seems to be dying down, when out of nowhere something bursts through the aquarium - and, to my surprise, it's the legendary cryptid, BIGFOOT. I try to indulge the tour group in this, but nobody seems interesting. Cowards, all of them. I head back upstairs, alongside AMONG US, who departs for the library as I head for the lounge, spotting DRs HAWKE and WEXLYN, and MR WALTAR WHITE. I head outside to the patio for a smoke, slightly soured by the events of the tour, and, as if on cue, in comes THAT HOGWARTS GIRL from the rec room. She appears to have referred to me as "Rita Skeeter", which is a critical error, as not only am I not a woman, but I wasn't even Garth Marenghi at the time, I was Dr. Rick Dagless, M.D.
I might've
lightly criticised the writings of Joanne K Rowling, as she's known in the wider writing community. I will say that any attempts at horror in her books are clearly inspired by certain elements of mine. And then HOGWARTS GIRL goes beserk - thankfully I manage to retaliate and knock her across the face with some real fiction, but she clobbers me and I'm so tuckered out that my legs turn to jelly, and I lose consciousness right there.
I caught a lot of the events of the tour on camera, though if you do want to see it be aware that I haven't had time to edit it all together yet, and there's still the post-production interviews with me and my publisher that need to be filmed.