This post was last modified: May 5, 2021 at 4:53 PM by
Senpai.
You. Mother. Fuckers. Every night just keeps getting worse. I swear, by tomorrow, if things don't improve, I'll-
Haha, just kidding.
I'll be honest with everyone, I actually had a mostly pleasant evening, save for some moments here and there. And with shitfucks like Violent Jimin out of the way, perhaps there's an opportunity to... get along with everyone? Four words I never thought I'd utter in the presence of some of you idiots, but here we are. Although, if you keep supposedly stealing my clothes, my demeanor might change for the worst.
I begin my night waking up, stretching, and doing a little bit of beatboxing to keep my mind and mouth fresh. While I'm preparing my body for the evening, Hank Hill passes me by and offers me a "good morning." He seems confused on how time operates, and I inform him of his mistake, but the gesture still moves me and I offer him a "good evening" in return! Then it's off to the north elevator with him, which we ride up to the first floor.
Once I'm there, I begin my quest to quantify a character to use for D&D!
... What, you don't think that I would participate in such a "nerdy" game? Okay, I will admit, my pristine exterior of a popular kid might fool you, but as a secret that remains only in these halls, I used to sneak into the "Dungeoneering Club" at my old school and play tabletop games after school on Thursdays. But nobody can know about that!! There's nothing more embarrassing than a school-wide populous knowing you play a Level 12 Bard!
From my years of experience, I naturally and immediately knew the character I'd like to procure for this event! So I step into the Lobby to retrieve some paper, and find Garth Marenghi, man of many words, worthy of none after his act at my Funk Off, sitting at the computer typing away. I ignore the boring slog he's probably cooking up, pulling out my own piece of paper from the printer to use. Then I move into the Lounge to work on my masterpiece of character creation. On the Patio, Hank Hill is setting up his barbecue and producing some meat.
After a short while, my magnum opus is completed, and I return through where I came. Hank Hill offers me some of his sausage as I pass, but doesn't he know that meat has so many unnecessary calories and chunks of fat to it? It would absolutely ruin my figure! I decline his offer, then move into the Rec Room, where Dr. Wexlyn, Lost in Hogwarts, ASMR YouTuber, and Robuster are there. Why, I hadn't seen Robuster since he worked so diligently as my bouncer! I ought to thank him for his efforts the next time I see him. He was one of few positives about that night.
With the Dungeon Master preparing, I present to him... my character sheet.
Huzzah!
Senpaidios Braveheart, hero of all women, slayer of all beasts! This character would be sure to wow the audience and woo the fair maidens we may encounter! With Thornicus slung over his back, and Hotgirl and Extrahotgirl clinging onto his biceps, there isn't anything that could stop our party!
... Unfortunately, Wexlyn informs me that I must round my charisma stat down to 5. Not preferred, but I understand that Funkin & Flagons regulations aren't up to code with the 5e D&D rules, so ultimately, I understand. Just know that Senpaidios Braveheart is still the most charming hunk around!
Soon, a plague doctor and, groooaaaannnn, Garth, enter our sacred realm, and Garth begins to ramble about his character's "complex" and "life-changing" backstory. Nice try, asswipe, but nothing can compete with the origin story of Senpaidios Braveheart! Sometime after, Lita enters from the patio, chowing down on the greasiest burger I've ever seen. Yick. But she completes a character sheet, and then begins our tale...
Let me recount for you all the story of...
Senpaidios Braveheart, greatest hero to ever live!!!!
Senpaidios Braveheart wakes up in a strange dungeon, very hot, very sexy. He involuntarily flexes his muscles every time he breathes, making him even sexier. He finds that he's chained up to the wall alongside five other, bizarre individuals. Not wanting to show off, he decides to keep himself chained to the wall for now, but he could break those chains with the smallest movement of his pinky finger. There's an owl, a demon man, a Kenku bard, jester, and a Dragonborn woman. A woman! Knowing that women loves this, Senpaidios Braveheart calls out "I am very straight and very proud!"
Now he has surely won the adoration of this Dragonborn woman.
Senpaidios Braveheart and the others talk, Senpaidios Braveheart's thick, kissable lips pursed up into an inviting smile. It seems that they all had been tricked by the grand wizard, Wexlyn the Wise, and left entangled in this dungeon! Senpaidios Braveheart knows that no evildoer should dare to keep him tied up! The owl man breaks out of his restraints, which Senpaidios Braveheart could've done much cooler, and quicker, and sexier. They all introduce their names, and then the owl breaks every other chain, though not before the Kenku bard mentions something about mystical honey.
We- I mean,
they all move towards the door, when in burst a horde of skeleton guards! "Never fear!"
cried Senpaidios Braveheart! "I will conquer these skeletons with ease!"
He swings forward his mighty axe, Thornicus, and obliterates all of the skeletons in one fell swoop! Yep, that's definitely how the fight went! Senpaidios Braveheart steps back sexily and grins his woman-winning grin, the lights of nearby torches shimmering off of his perfectly pearly whites. And then the party charges forward with vigor, knowing that whatever challenges may lie ahead, Senpaidios Braveheart can conquer them!
In the next hallway, they encounter an old woman in a cell, talking to them about a Wexlyn the Wise backstory or whatever. Cougars aren't Senpaidios Braveheart's type, so he ignores her tale, instead casually flexing and winking at the Dragonborn woman. Then he-"
That's when the story of Senpaidios Braveheart is most RUDELY INTERRUPTED by Nemesis, now my own nemesis! He stomps over to the table and flings Robuster away from it with a tentacle. Hey jackass, the next time you toss around my bodyguard like a sack of potatoes, be prepared for my fist in your... nuts? I'll be honest, I don't actually know how this guy's body works.
Oh also Dr. Hawke, Kids TV Show Host, Waltar White, and Jack of Spades are all there but none of them are the Nurses so who caaaaares back to the story!
Then he notices a... zombie thing in a nearby cell and sets it free. The group sets forth again, motivated by the sight alone of Senpaidios Braveheart's body! They arrive to a torture chamber, where there seems to be traps aplenty, littered around the floor. Naturally, being as sexy and as keen to survival as any mortal could ever dream of being, Senpaidios Braveheart takes the first steps into the hallway, where he suddenly plummets to, uh
He didn't die! No, honest, he just hit the bottom really hard and got knocked out! I'm sure he'll wake up with a saving throw, come on he can climb back out, he's Senpaidios Braveheart, the greatest and sexiest hero to ever live! Oh whatever
So at this part, Senpaidios Braveheart supposedly dies or something, but trust me when I say, he's still alive somewhere in that chamber! And I'm sure that somehow, he's directly responsible for the slaying of the final boss.
Wexlyn asks me to leave the table to make room for the next player, and as much as I disagree with the notion of Senpaidios Braveheart's death, I eventually oblige. He did have a lot of people lined up to play, it was only fair that some of the characters be cycled out. Know that Senpaidios Braveheart will live to see another day, however!
Deciding to make up space on the Rec Room's sofa, I instead depart into the Lounge, where I discover-
Luna. Unconscious on the ground. Alright, you fuckers, which one of you attacked my dear Nurses while I was away?! Whoever gets revealed for this crime
will feel the full force of my wrath! Deciding right then and there that whoever did this was about to receive a brutal, painful surgical reappliance of their dick to their elbow, I begin looking around the room for clues. But before I can even find the shithead who did this-
THWACK!
Right on the back of the head, by what feels like a bar stool. As I fade out of consciousness, I hear laughter, and I feel a hand firmly grip the back of my shirt. And so ended my night. You all really like to cuck me out of at least getting back to bed, huh? The one dealbreaker from making this evening actually enjoyable. Hey, assailant. Fuck you.
There's one important investigation request I must place in right now.
Bodycheck myself. Don't tell me I'm naked.