Could you hide under the bridges on the ice, especially with a raft and a body?
And to continue the logic, check under the bridges explicitly for signs anybody's been there.

You think you could very easily crouch or crawl under the bridges to hide, though upon checking, it doesn't look like there's any signs of anyone being there. Then again, there's also no real snow buildup under the bridges for... obvious reasons.

Walmart John buns look like they land on ice? Riki want to know if Walmart Hom Hom land on head first, or if land bottom side first, then bad person hit on head... Riki make sense?

How is Walmart positioned in the raft? Is his side facing out of the boat or into the boat?
Also, I'm going to try to hook the lantern up to the bridge and light it, and see how the snow melts. And do a cautious check on how slippery that makes the bridge.

Still oil in 1650 lantern?

First I flag Spooks over for medical treatment but I already got one concussion tonight so like who cares. Then I run and slide, whacking my head on the ground. When I am recovered I have a willing volunteer (let's be honest, there are many) shove me so I slip and whack my head again. Which is the closest match to Walmart FFXIV?

Any plausible signs of Walmart being stabbed by something made of ice?

Walmart John buns look like they land on ice? Riki want to know if Walmart Hom Hom land on head first, or if land bottom side first, then bad person hit on head... Riki make sense?

You strip poor Walmart John and check his body. It... Doesn't look like his ass is bruised, though you suppose it's perfectly possible to slip and hit your head as well if that's your angle.

How is Walmart positioned in the raft? Is his side facing out of the boat or into the boat?
Also, I'm going to try to hook the lantern up to the bridge and light it, and see how the snow melts. And do a cautious check on how slippery that makes the bridge.

Walmart John is lying splayed out in the raft, facing skywards.

You hook the lantern to the side of the bridge and light it. It... doesn't melt the snow from that high up. At least not to a significant degree. There's some melt and refreezing, though it's only localized just around the lantern itself - far too difficult to slip in.

Still oil in 1650 lantern?

You give the lantern a shake, then pour it out into a cup to check how much oil is left. It looks like there's a fair amount of oil still, though there's... some other substance mixed in as well.

First I flag Spooks over for medical treatment but I already got one concussion tonight so like who cares. Then I run and slide, whacking my head on the ground. When I am recovered I have a willing volunteer (let's be honest, there are many) shove me so I slip and whack my head again. Which is the closest match to Walmart FFXIV?

You flag down Spooks, who begrudgingly agrees to assist - though he gives Morgan the stink eye, just in case he tries another stunt like last time.

You run and slide along the ice, intentionally wiping out and smacking your head on the ground. You're briefly knocked unconscious though you come to very shortly afterwards, comparing the bump to Walmart John's injury. It's pretty damn close, you think.

You psych yourself up and get Alan Wake to shove you instead so you slip and whack your head again. He does so, and you go back into the realm of dreams as your head hits the ice. Standing up though, woozy and feeling sick now, you realize that these compounding injuries have made it nigh impossible to compare.

Any plausible signs of Walmart being stabbed by something made of ice?

You... Don't think so. You're not sure what traces that would leave, but you are fairly certain that a knife similar to the rigging or utility knives is what the weapon is. Unless someone managed to fabricate a mold for that sort of knife, you can safely say it's not an icicle kill

More in the interests of finding 23 than anything murder related, I want to look through... Lab Zero, the Anomaly Lab, the Killing Game Lab, the Morgue, Dispatch, Counter Terrorism, and the Facility Jail and Holding Cell. If we happen to find a knife or something, that'd be great too.

At the risk of ruining the lantern, what if it had some gas added to it? From the boathouse, of course.

Mining Equipment utility knife... any gone? Room look like friends use in general?

More in the interests of finding 23 than anything murder related, I want to look through... Lab Zero, the Anomaly Lab, the Killing Game Lab, the Morgue, Dispatch, Counter Terrorism, and the Facility Jail and Holding Cell. If we happen to find a knife or something, that'd be great too.

You wander the lower levels of the facility, looking for 23 and, really any kind of knife you can find just lying around. You... don't find him in any of these rooms, and you don't really find any knives either - outside of scalpels and other such things that seem to belong in their place.

At the risk of ruining the lantern, what if it had some gas added to it? From the boathouse, of course.

You add some gas from the Boathouse to the lantern. It uh... doesn't resemble the other substance at all. The other substance, now that it has been a while since the lantern has been set alight, is seeming to solidify somewhat atop the oil.

Mining Equipment utility knife... any gone? Room look like friends use in general?

You inspect the Mining Equipment room for utility knives. You... Can't really compare the quantity, but the room is rather dirty and dusty, and there's no outline in the dust from where such a knife could have been taken.

There is an entire excavator missing from here though, the tracks of its treads leading out into the city.

This post was last modified: May 6, 2024 at 6:59 AM by Columbo.

The other substance, now that it has been a while since the lantern has been set alight, is seeming to solidify somewhat atop the oil.

Guess I'll try to scoop that out. With like, a spoon, or something more scientifically appropriate.

This post was last modified: May 6, 2024 at 9:05 AM by Columbo.

Check out the pizza rolls in the bathrooms near the Control Department more closely. Are they wet, soggy, unusually cold, or any other signs they might've been outside?
Also, sorry Spooks, I'm going to empty the bag to make sure it's just pizza rolls.

On a completely different theory, I want to search through Chem Lab, 1650's room, 3999's room, and the Archeologist's office real quick for out of place weapons.
And check if that CNC machine in the Drafting Office has signs of any sort of use.

Walk the lake as carefully as I can, looking for Barry.
Failing that, offer a delicious Totino's Pizza Roll™ by the hole in the lake. Maybe a few extra, in case 1011 is hungry too.

And for argument's sake, I want to run my hand over the entire eastern bridge and see if there's any extremely slippery spots.

This post was last modified: May 6, 2024 at 11:12 AM by DxHustler3000.

As Phenera has consented, I would like to personally exonerate her by examining her body, inventory, and room for signs of wetness, things that could cause the stab wound, etc.

Also double check everything in the bathroom, to see what's wet or moist.

Hey Spooks, did you leave a garbage bag full of pizza rolls in the bathroom when you were cleaning them up?

This post was last modified: May 6, 2024 at 12:18 PM by The Retcon Fairy Godmother. Edit Reason: typos "greed" -> "greet", missing "you" before "will help me"

Pop!
...hm. Not quite right.

Pop!

Well, you certainly know how to treat a celebrity. Waiting for my account with such anticipation? I shan't keep my audience a moment longer. I'll grant all of your wishes right here and now.

C minor. Put it in C minor.

Ladies and gentlemen, heteromorphs and ghosts...
I'd like to dedicate this testimony to... chaos.

Powerful, unpredictable chaos. The force of nature that drags us to our most basal forms. It exists within all things. It governs all esotera.
The happy endings that you continue to seek are covered by its twisted, gnarled and ugly branches. The only way to the end... is through.
But these tendrils of the primordial are never thwarted. They germinate. They spread. To multiple timelines to cause disorder, setting them off their correct course. In some cases, collapsing them entirely, unraveling them down to their final thread.

And yet, I love it so. To shape things and restore order, there must be something to mould. Without chaos, I wouldn't exist. I would have no power.
Such power may be limited in this form, maintaining existence for a longer period of time than the instantaneous tweaks I am known for... but I did my best to set things right for the powers that be.
My goal was to grant wishes to all who asked in Sinclair's name. The name of chaos. You may have noticed, but I've already made one or two corrections in certain testimonies... oho...

I know all that you desire. Your happily ever afters, forevermore.

Pop!

Enough of that!

With a dramatic flourish, I begin my night, spotting Hustler. Their wish born of both friendship and passion. It will be granted, by their own hands. They leave and I wander into the morgue to grab a magic wand. Two, in fact, courtesy of Revy. I plan on granting the lead-lined wishes of any suspicious characters or potential fairy god-busters I see until I can prepare my signature... love potions. I notice that Phenera and Lyra are in the lab. They seem to be talking quite intently. One yearns for reprieve from pizza rolls, the other yearns for more power. Their wishes... could not be granted tonight. I spot Nashu... her wish... would be one I attempt to grant personally, using my magic Love Potions. I would have to construct them this very night.

I then fly over to the Leisure Center, whereupon I find Gus. His wish... one born from the power of love. My specialty. And yet, it seems someone else granted it for him in the end. I grab a humidifier, and some fairy dust (pool chlorine) for the potions, and leave Sleeping Beauty. Departing to the Break Room, I honestly fucking break down. Do you know how hard it is doing this? The stress of manifesting for so long has already gotten to me, and I stock up on food. I spend some time looking for something similar to the Friar's Fat Boy Renaissance Wrap, some Root Beer, and then curse Sinclair for his crummy stock. I also grab various kinds of tea, to serve my primary charge for the evening, Astrid. Her father certainly doesn't treat his employees well, unlike yours truly. Just don't call the union.

I head to the Station and ride to the other side. While in Station 1, I spot Dexter in the Lounge, moving eastwards, presumably towards the Kitchen, but he seemingly doesn't notice. His wish... fame... glory... a true friend... he has much turmoil within. A noble soul will grant him the power to obtain his wish by himself. I leave and proceed upstairs to Decontamination to check its magical safety standards in case something goes horribly wrong in the Potion Factory (Chem Lab), noticing it hasn't been used. Then, I return to sit in the Cafeteria and scarf my burrito down. I tried to resist, but my DIET IS FUCKING RUINED. Of course, in this moment of turmoil, Morgan passes me by. I grab one of the tools I require (a potion-slash-brownie mixing spatula) then flutter into my Potion Factory.

It is here that I retcon in an assistant. I call him... from another life... from the past... in a collapsed timeline... ohohohoho...

.............................................................

- GODMOTHER - You.

- HAWKE - WHERE THE FUCK AM I

Pop!
I'm your fairy retconmother. Don't question it. You won't be here in a few hours.

- GODMILF - What is your wish, oh, doomed to die, irrelevant drunken man?

- HAWKE - .....uh. What?

- GODMOTHER - Granted. Another version of you shall become a powerful alchemist, one with great potential, and you shall forget everything that ever happened here, return to your doomed timeline, and die in a hot tub. In exchange, you will help me brew, posthaste.

It's here that me and my assistant begin to brew potions. We rig homemade glow sticks in round glass flasks using Hydrogen peroxide, colored fluorescent dye, and TCPO. Making them in tricolors: pink, blue, and a special green. I rig them similar to a coke and mentos bomb where I have to pull the bottle to release the powder into the bleach bottle to make them glow, then toss them at someone. In 2/3 cases, this is harmless, in 1/3 cases, most of the TCPO is replaced with FAIRY DUST (chlorine powder), which shall mix with the bleach to instead make slightly glowing, caustic liquid to melt someone's heart. Or face.

- HAWKE - Look, lady, whatever the hell you're doing, can-


Pop!

My potions complete, I retcon my assistant out of existence, making it so that I didn't see a single soul while in the Chem Lab working on potions by myself, and thus maintaining the natural order from chaos. You will likely never see or hear from him in this game ever again. I note to search for someone while underground and surrounded by weird, watery, glowy fluids to introduce them to true love in his stead.

I then head to the Geology lab, searching for an Ice Core to grant the wish of a glowing monster. Ice cores are important for performing geological studies in colder climates. All fairies know this. The burn damage makes this slightly difficult, then I head to the Observatory to greet Astrid. It's fucking cold and wet, and my fairy godmother eyes are not good in this weather so I can't see shit. I arrive at the Observatory, and enter. Astrid is not there, and doesn't show up. "I will have to place your encounter into your actions at a later period of time", decide the powers that be. Fuckers. I even made tea.

Fluttering away into the snow, I brave the elements further to grant wishes of even the most humble creatures, and start heading to my next destination: the Botany Lab, for food. Before I can however, a seal emerges from the mines, and he follows me for a while. His wish, seemingly food. His neediness reminded me of my own son. My burrito was gone, but I still granted him what he desired, before he hopped on the nearby ice, then slid down the slightly less snowy river, and into the fog. It's dark, so I lose sight of him, hoping he finds his way back to his owner. Or something.

The bitter chill sets in, and I quickly head to the botany lab to grab food for another creature. Tomatoes, and fertilizer, a concoction used to make classic fairy pizza sauce. I then source magical fishing gear from the Boathouse, I note there is a missing raft, a missing lantern, and a missing rigging knife, before heading to the ice to core it and start shoving tomatoes down there. While I'm here, I note someone else going into the boathouse, and a vague, distant shape on the ice.

It's very cold.

I finish granting the Thousand Tendrils their wish for a vegetarian diet, and then tredge my way back to the south building, heading back inside to the Patio, then to the Receiving Bay to take the Service Elevator down to the Underground Lakefront. I am mesmerised by its beauty. This is my Far... Far, Away. The lake is lit with a strange glow, coming from the water. A large pipe seems to lead into what I believe is the Water Filtration room. I dip my wand, and then my hand, and then my whole lower body into the water....

POP!

Mmmmmmm.... stress relief....

I leave my blue glowing potion here, in the hopes it absorbs more energy from its surroundings. Fairy magic, or some shit. I then leave to find someone to throw my ultimate Love Potion at.

I spot a small, football-esque creature knocking on the Arcana Lab door over and over as I walk to the Observation Room. His wish will not be granted, no matter how hard he tries. I spare him the potion out of pity. He will always suffer. I then spot Konata. It seems her wish for a more... explosive dream was granted by someone else, so I spare her the potion, also, out of pity.

...I then grant my own wish. I need not elaborate.

Spoiler: Show

It is at this point I walk back up to the Underground Lake, not spotting a soul. The Water Filtration Room too, empty. Someone enters the Arcana Lab, but I don't catch them before the door closes, and I fail to see who it is, or what their wish was. Sleeping Beauty 2: Sleepless In Esotera is now gone. It seems my own love potion will never reach the fairytale ending it deserves... until...



A KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR EMERGES TO GREET ME, HIS FAIRY GODMOTHER. From their shining steed, the most noble of armored, vertically moving creatures of service! A classic fairytale protagonist, I seek to give him my strongest potion for his quest. But suddenly....

Pop!
Past me, that's Nashu. Go on. Grant her Wish.

FREE HER FROM THIS CHAOS.

...Instead of handing it over to the noble knight, I aim my fairy arm high, and lob it, trying to breach her armor, aiming for her helmet holes in an attempt to amplify the exposure if it lands. Unfortunately, this story doesn't have a happy ending, and it misses.

Pop!
Well, that's to be expected! The kill had already occurred by this point. Your attempt will not succeed. Chaos has willed the path of another...

[...CURSES!]

I'LL BE BACK!

I awkwardly squeeze my fat fairy ass past Nashu, and into the elevator. I arrive in the receiving bay, noting Lita is KO'd on the floor here, her simple wish to be KO'd here granted. At least that was an easy one. I then head to the facility lobby, where...

Finally, this is the moment that the powers that be have decided Astrid and I should meet. As Sinclair's daughter, I offer her the tea I couldn't give to her earlier, and we discuss... her father. The nature of chaos. And love.

I believe... her wish is one I will keep a secret, until the end. I feel my night drawing to a close, and I bid her farewell, and then I vanish. Wishes... granted. Retcons... fixed. Chaos... ohoho...

sleep fucking lost i hate this game

WITH THE FINAL TESTIMONY GIVEN, THEY ALL LIVED ... EVER AFTER...

Can we confirm a rigging knife is actually missing from the Boathouse?